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Old 03-14-2012, 11:01 AM   #5
dadioflex
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I read the rest - skimmed it , to be fair.

There's a style of humorous writing which utilizes an over-wordy, pompous tone to produce a comic effect. You should take heart that you've mastered half of that equation.

The main character is a jerk, obviously, prone to navel-gazing and with distinct "Mary Sue" tendencies - it remains to be seen whether he faces any challenges which DO challenge him - how does he do in the encounter at the end of the sample? That's a rhetorical question. If he triumphs yet again, you might consider that part of your problem. Conflict is nothing without struggle.

I can't see me buying the book based on the sample - but I can see how someone else might. The tone is quite similar to the Hal Spacejock stories, except those two main characters are very fallible, and therefore identifiable. In my opinion.

A tried and true technique to sell ebooks is to give something away for free - perhaps a short story detailing one of his earlier hits, what went wrong and how he overcame it would serve as a better introduction to the character. There's a constant stream of detail about the world he inhabits evident in the sample and that's very encouraging.
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