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Old 03-14-2012, 09:59 AM   #4
Jim Chaseley
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Posts: 32
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
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Hey thanks, that's actually a really useful bit of info. It's feedback I can take away and have a good think about. Over-dependance on "I". It just wouldn't have occurred to me, I guess I find it to be "invisible", as you said.

Everything else I've ever written (not published as of yet) is third person. I don't know why I made the switch with this. It just felt comfortable whilst writing it.

Thanks for taking the time to stop, look and provide feedback. It's very much appreciated.

I'll have to go and check now, but maybe the "I" usage tails off a bit, when he stops "introducing" himself to the reader, and once there's more than just him involved.

So many times, you see people like me ask for feedback and then stonewall when they get something they don't want to hear. I'll take on what you've said, and look for ways to act on it. A good excercise will be to rewrite that first passage. The one thing I'll say in defence of this particular story, against the point raised, is that it is very much about him, about what he's thinking and what's going on in his head. It's also about exploding lizards and self-destructing cyborgs though, I don't want to imply it's "deep", because it's not. (None of that means I can't attempt more creative ways of putting it down on paper, I know)

Edit: Did the rest of the sample grip you, dadioflex? I'm wholly accepting that I can only please a certain percentage of people, but knowing how to seek to broaden my appeal will be invaluable.

Last edited by Jim Chaseley; 03-14-2012 at 10:23 AM.
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