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Old 03-14-2012, 08:22 AM   #3
dadioflex
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Posts: 526
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Device: Palm TX, Advent Vega, iPad, iPod Touch, Kindle
Checked out a bit of the sample and personally I don't much like your writing style, though I could probably forgive it if the rest of the sample grips me. You're writing a first person narrative and have fallen into the trap of peppering the text with "I" until reading it is like getting pelted with tacks. But that's just me - many will tell you that "I" is invisible in the reading, like "the" and "and". Just not to me.

Sample Chapter 1, up to the email, which I imagine isn't even a whole page, "I" appears about 20 times.

Last edited by dadioflex; 03-14-2012 at 08:26 AM.
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