Quote:
Originally Posted by arjaybe
@mrmarlowe
Since you've updated to v1.1, I'll assume you're open for comments.-)
I see a story here, but I had trouble getting into it. The story feels disjointed. I get the feeling that you wanted to make sure to get the ideas down, but the result is a bit scattered.
In one sentence I first thought you were living in one room, before learning that there was at least one other room, where a light was left on.
Some questions:
1. What contracts? You mentioned contracts and never got back to them.
2. Why was he clattering utensils? Was he a cook?
I think this story can work, with work.
Jim
|
Yeah, I deliberately left the #1 out of the story coz I wanted to work with one straight plot and not also insert an unnecessary subplot. The contracts are not important to the story; something else is. So I thought that making a passing reference would be ok. You are right about #2: I have to think up something about it.
Looking forward to others' feedback here, and YES, I am open to comments.
