I'm the OP and very grateful for all the commentary but wanted to apologize that I won't be able to capitalize on any of it for 10 days now, because of travel beyond decent/convenient wifi AND cell range.
I'll tackle it upon return.
Just a note - this is not my first K5 so yes, I'm sure there is no 3G connection. Wireless connection can be turned off/on, but when off, the place for the 3G indicator is the tiny dotted flat line, if anything. I'd suspect the seller took out the 3G card, but the case is pristine, so I'm hoping it's a software thing and Kubrick here I come.
I'll be back - thanks again.