Hi Marlowe,
Here are my comments on v1.4. I really like the added background details.
Spoiler:
The addition of the burning pyres in the opening is much better. It gives us a sense of place immediately. Do you think it would be good to make it even more specific? For example, could this be set in Varanassi? If not, why not?
It feels as though the 'guy from the south' is in the story simply as a sounding board to get the background details across. He is useful for this, but I think you could do more with him. For example, if he was staying at the house for some important reason - presumably to do with these business contracts - then it may be vital that the protagonist and his mother maintain a semblance of normality. Their increasingly frantic attempts to cover up the activities of the ghost would then make sense, and could be a source of increased tension and humour. We'd understand better then why they become desperate to hold a shradh and rid themselves of the problem.
You could bring out the 'auntie'-ness of the mother's relationship with the guest more - making it clear whether they are blood relatives or if he is calling her auntie the way every woman of a certain age seems to be 'auntie' in India.
By the time the 'fat man' appears and gives directions, as a reader I'm firmly involved in a ghost story (note: not a dream), and in such stories we expect things to have mystical connections. So, my mind throws up questions like: Does this 'fat man' already know about the ghost? Did he cause the ghost? Is he trying to get something from the family? Does he know what's behind those business contracts? Also, it seems so convenient that the regular priest was away. Was this fat man behind that in some way?
It's great that the story triggers these sorts of questions. It means it's working. My mind's racing around with 'what ifs' which is drawing me on through the story. But it means that to come to a satisfactory ending we need something that answers these questions at the end.
The book lawn fair is a lovely bit of place setting, and it's a shame that the priest isn't found at the end of the tunnels. Having to go through obstacles like a maze to get to a secret thing that can solve the problem helps to build the tension and reinforces the ghost story feel. Having this turn out to be just a diversion (bear in mind that we don't know this is just a dream) is very confusing, and seems a waste of a really good bit of build-up.
Next, in the scene with the priest, you write that "He talked about my father with such confidence as if he'd known us for years!" Primed by the encounter with the fat man, and because the story is cast as a ghost story and a mystery, my reading mind says, "Aha. He and the fat man are in cahoots! What's going on here? What are they up to? Hey, maybe the priest is the fat man!" If you don't then satisfy this I'll be left disappointed at the end of the story.
Then out the blue, comes the encounter with Mr Zant. This is good timing. I'd sort of forgotten about the contracts. Now I'm reminded, and my reading mind says to me "Ah, the contracts again. They're important. There's something going on here. It's got something to do with the contracts and that priest. And probably that fat man. Plus, I still don't know what's going on with that guy from the South."
Incidentally, you might not need both Mr Zant and the guy from the South. Could they be the same character?
The menacing shadowy figure appears a bit out of the blue. Could you foreshadow this anywhere much earlier in the story? Is it really necessary?
The whole story has been building towards the shradh. You've got some good atmospheric detail in here now, but I'm waiting for the climax. My reader's mind is telling me that everything is going to come together in the smoke of the shradh, something big is going to happen. Your ending's in there somewhere. Something that those ghosts can reveal at the shradh that explains the contracts, the guy from the South, the fat man, the priest, and the reason the father has to hang around until this very moment - when he finds his release.
You've got all the elements of a really good ghost story here. If you can somehow tie all these together you won't need to end it as 'just a dream'.
I hope all that helps. Again, these are, of course, just my impressions as I'm reading - so take as much or as little as makes sense to you.
Graham