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I read this and enjoyed it - up to a certain extent.
I think you have a real flair for writing, what I consider to be a real talent.
The issues that took away from my enjoyment are huge and not easily fixable, except for a revisioning of the work (which you, understandably, may not wish to do, since you feel it is a finished work).
1) The hopping/time jumps were jarring. (Organizational issues.)
2) The delineation of time (hours/minutes) simply got in the way of the story, and seemed unnecessarily cumbersome.
My reactions may differ from other Readers' reactions; however, these are my reactions on a story that had some wonderful writing in it.
Thank you,
Don
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