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gmw · 09-01-2014, 09:17 AM

xibalban, I don't have any guide books to suggest, but the thread on which crich70's posts were found give a diverse range of examples. Starts here.

Like Harry, my tastes run to poety that has a strong rhythm (I prefer to say "rhythm" to "metre", because I'm not familiar with all the technical jargon for poetry anyway). Rhyme is less critical to me. One reason for the reputation for "twee" that Harry spoke of is that often an author's search for rhyme can detract from the flow of the poem such that the emphasis always lands on the rhyming syllables rather than where it might otherwise fall more naturally - and this can lead to unwanted/unwarranted exaggeration.

It's one thing to ask for comments from readers, they can tell you whether they like it or whether they don't. Do I like it? I like the feel of it, the rhythm and choice of language, but I'm not so sure I like what it says.

But when you ask for comments in the realm of writers, you have to be prepared for comments to the effect of "if I was doing this ..."

. So, with that in mind:

I would be inclined to use either Chorus or Prologue (both of which have a sense that means "the one who speaks the prologue") rather than Narrator for the first part - as in some Shakespeare play introductions. To me, one of those would fit the language you use better.

There are several lines that I would want to smooth out. Certain word choices (eg: "filthy", "Much") and punctuation choices that I think you need to review - you need to help the reader gain the sense of your text (which bits flow together in meaning as opposed to rhyme or rhythm).

09-01-2014, 09:17 AM	#7
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,809 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	xibalban, I don't have any guide books to suggest, but the thread on which crich70's posts were found give a diverse range of examples. Starts here. Like Harry, my tastes run to poety that has a strong rhythm (I prefer to say "rhythm" to "metre", because I'm not familiar with all the technical jargon for poetry anyway). Rhyme is less critical to me. One reason for the reputation for "twee" that Harry spoke of is that often an author's search for rhyme can detract from the flow of the poem such that the emphasis always lands on the rhyming syllables rather than where it might otherwise fall more naturally - and this can lead to unwanted/unwarranted exaggeration. It's one thing to ask for comments from readers, they can tell you whether they like it or whether they don't. Do I like it? I like the feel of it, the rhythm and choice of language, but I'm not so sure I like what it says. But when you ask for comments in the realm of writers, you have to be prepared for comments to the effect of "if I was doing this ..." . So, with that in mind: I would be inclined to use either Chorus or Prologue (both of which have a sense that means "the one who speaks the prologue") rather than Narrator for the first part - as in some Shakespeare play introductions. To me, one of those would fit the language you use better. There are several lines that I would want to smooth out. Certain word choices (eg: "filthy", "Much") and punctuation choices that I think you need to review - you need to help the reader gain the sense of your text (which bits flow together in meaning as opposed to rhyme or rhythm). Last edited by gmw; 09-01-2014 at 09:19 AM.