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gmw · 03-06-2014, 10:20 AM

Annie the Dreamer is a rather disturbing tale. I did like that you managed to convey that feeling without needing to be too explicit. I liked the jazz, and the raven, I think these worked well with the scenes. But (there's always a but

) ...

I found myself floundering a bit through the early paragraphs. It got a bit better when I reached the jazz, but my interest was really only raised when the raven landed.

So I think the first third/half of it needs to be smoothed out - and maybe re-ordered a bit. I wonder, if you're going to open with hanging up the telephone, whether you can make more of that as a way of providing the background information - rather than as a direct recital.

Touching the rings on her fingers was a potentially good element, but I think your story may need a bit more room (be a bit longer) for the effect to come through. It could just be that I like stories to be a bit longer.

The confrontation scene felt a little forced, but not too bad. But it did feel a bit sudden (I guess it was supposed to be), and too short. I think there is room here to increase the tension by expanding the scene - not necessarily with more action/violence, but with more lead in (scene and tension building) to the actual confrontation.

I did like the way you concluded the story, though - again - I wonder if a bit more meat on what came earlier may give the ending some added depth.

Spoiler:

This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: The above is all just my personal reaction to the story, offered because that's what we're here for. Take whatever parts of it seem useful to you, and ignore the rest.

03-06-2014, 10:20 AM	#3
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,809 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	arjaybe's story Annie the Dreamer is a rather disturbing tale. I did like that you managed to convey that feeling without needing to be too explicit. I liked the jazz, and the raven, I think these worked well with the scenes. But (there's always a but ) ... I found myself floundering a bit through the early paragraphs. It got a bit better when I reached the jazz, but my interest was really only raised when the raven landed. So I think the first third/half of it needs to be smoothed out - and maybe re-ordered a bit. I wonder, if you're going to open with hanging up the telephone, whether you can make more of that as a way of providing the background information - rather than as a direct recital. Touching the rings on her fingers was a potentially good element, but I think your story may need a bit more room (be a bit longer) for the effect to come through. It could just be that I like stories to be a bit longer. The confrontation scene felt a little forced, but not too bad. But it did feel a bit sudden (I guess it was supposed to be), and too short. I think there is room here to increase the tension by expanding the scene - not necessarily with more action/violence, but with more lead in (scene and tension building) to the actual confrontation. I did like the way you concluded the story, though - again - I wonder if a bit more meat on what came earlier may give the ending some added depth. Spoiler: There are some elements of mystery with regard to the raven and Annie's memory, I am presuming these are intended to remain mysterious. I sort of like them, but I felt as if a few more hints about what you meant might have been a good thing ... but that's really hard to say for certain. This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: The above is all just my personal reaction to the story, offered because that's what we're here for. Take whatever parts of it seem useful to you, and ignore the rest.