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Graham · 03-07-2014, 06:20 AM

The overall shape is fine, but like arjaybe I think you need a new ending.

Spoiler:

The parts of the story that work best for me are the insights into life in India and the Brahmin culture. However, you don't realise that this is set in India, or even that the protagonists are Hindu until a third of the way through the story. I would really enjoy this being clear from the outset. I'd also want to know if this is set amidst the dust and bustle of a big city like Delhi or in somewhere more suburban. Either way, for a Western reader, you've got an exotic setting to exploit more here.

Spoiler:

I found the parenthetical asides that explain Hindi words jarring, even though they were welcome, so please consider either casting the story as told to someone outside the culture (so that the use of parentheses makes sense in context) or reworking those parts so that the explanation appears more naturally.

I agree with arjaybe about the clattering of utensils and also noted the reference earlier to the father helping lots of people. A little more detail to explain what he used to do would be great.

There are some useful things you could do to tighten up the writing, like removing some unnecessary phrases and repetition, but we can leave that for now. I hope these thoughts on structure are helpful!

Graham

03-07-2014, 06:20 AM	#18
Graham Wizard Posts: 2,743 Karma: 32912427 Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: North Yorkshire, UK Device: Kobo H20, Pixel 2, Samsung Chromebook Plus	When My Father 'Died' The overall shape is fine, but like arjaybe I think you need a new ending. Spoiler: The 'it was just a dream' has become very hackneyed and as a reader I feel cheated by it. Given that you’re putting 'Died' in quotes in the title, we're already expecting a twist, and the most obvious outside of science fiction is that this will be a dream. Also, I was primed to expect a twist to the death by the quotes around 'Died' so when you used the word 'process' in the very first sentence my immediate thought was that this was some peculiar death procedure rather than a straightforward cremation or burial, and that this would become significant. I assume this is a cremation, and I think saying 'cremation' instead of 'process' would help. The parts of the story that work best for me are the insights into life in India and the Brahmin culture. However, you don't realise that this is set in India, or even that the protagonists are Hindu until a third of the way through the story. I would really enjoy this being clear from the outset. I'd also want to know if this is set amidst the dust and bustle of a big city like Delhi or in somewhere more suburban. Either way, for a Western reader, you've got an exotic setting to exploit more here. Spoiler: ... which will also help to make the supernatural aspects more plausible. I found the parenthetical asides that explain Hindi words jarring, even though they were welcome, so please consider either casting the story as told to someone outside the culture (so that the use of parentheses makes sense in context) or reworking those parts so that the explanation appears more naturally. I agree with arjaybe about the clattering of utensils and also noted the reference earlier to the father helping lots of people. A little more detail to explain what he used to do would be great. There are some useful things you could do to tighten up the writing, like removing some unnecessary phrases and repetition, but we can leave that for now. I hope these thoughts on structure are helpful! Graham