[mrmarlowe]

Perhaps improper to ask but could you please give it another read? I think I changed some of these you mentioned (same old version, lol). Let me know that if it is now a 'passable' story for the anthology (assuming I don't make the other changes).

Originally Posted by Graham

Hi Marlowe,

Here are my comments on v1.4. I really like the added background details.

Spoiler:

It feels as though the 'guy from the south' is in the story simply as a sounding board to get the background details across. He is useful for this, but I think you could do more with him. For example, if he was staying at the house for some important reason - presumably to do with these business contracts - then it may be vital that the protagonist and his mother maintain a semblance of normality.

Spoiler:

The book lawn fair is a lovely bit of place setting, and it's a shame that the priest isn't found at the end of the tunnels. Having to go through obstacles like a maze to get to a secret thing that can solve the problem helps to build the tension and reinforces the ghost story feel. Having this turn out to be just a diversion (bear in mind that we don't know this is just a dream) is very confusing, and seems a waste of a really good bit of build-up.

Spoiler:

The menacing shadowy figure appears a bit out of the blue. Could you foreshadow this anywhere much earlier in the story? Is it really necessary?

I hope all that helps. Again, these are, of course, just my impressions as I'm reading - so take as much or as little as makes sense to you.

Graham