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I try to avoid positive-affirmation threads like this. The specifications currently attached to my life are significantly better, I am fortunate to say, than average, and I should feel "happy" (and a lot of the time I do). I hate affirming these things because of the intense imbalance between the objective positive nature of my current life, and the farking misery and frustration and anger and hatred and deep, drowning melancholy that hits suddenly on the most featherweight of triggers and inspires a need to abandon it all and set myself permanently adrift. It feels so much like failure and dogged disappointment. Inexcusable.
But sometimes other things, drifting, drag themselves into view or flow past my skin like a coastal summer breeze. Sometimes that thing is simply...a coastal summer breeze. I cannot obtain focus on complex joy or rich contentment. But I can hold a simple summer breeze inside my view and feel, even if momentarily...calm; real.
Last night, this morning, too much thought, too much ruction, too much of a feeling of repeat of past bad experiences, an environment that feels... broken... unfixable... deja vu of the same destructive mess being imminent... this had me down in the drowneds, looking to log off from it all again.
Those things come along though. I am not better, but I have three things:
1.
Today I walked on the sand, under a warm, winter sun, and felt the water around my feet from waves running up a shore and the fast flow at the rivermouth on the outgoing tide. It feels real.
2.
Today The Loved One tried to make honeycomb candy. It didn't quite work, and so we had this lovely-but-burnt-bitter candy, still dipped in chocolate, tasting pleasantly of the sweet promise of future attempts
3.
Today my stoic fella, Oscar the Airedale Terrier, was disguising a limp such that it was barely seen, acting the fool as always, but slowly. I checked, and removed one of the large, spiky, hurty seed-burrs they often pick up on walks and which sting like a mongrel when you prick yourself when trying to untangle them, from between the pads of his left, front paw. He bounced out to The Loved One like a typical three year old. Which is nice, seeing as he's actually eleven-and-a-half.
I will not post more in this thread. I've said my bit, a bit too much, and space is needed for more threes. These are just silly things that matter, when other stuff that shouldn't matters too much. I wanted to say it so I can look tomorrow and see if it reminds me, and signifies.
It is a good thread. Everyone should do it. It can't hurt, right?
Cheers,
Marc
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