I stared at that .38 caliber vuvuzela and pondered -- "Where the hell had she concealed that thing?" My mind broke into a cold sweat!
[Edit that dream girl! ]
[Oh, but I love a challenge.]
<
"CUT!"
"What is it with the vuvuzela? Do any of you writers know what a vuvuzela is?"
"You! Yes you. What are you doing with that eraser? What do you mean you are his assistant? Since when did writers get to have assistants?"
"Give me that eraser. Yes, I KNOW there was a line through a word in the script, I put it there! See, that word in dark letters next to it? That's called a write-in change to the script."
"Well, of course I can make a change to the script, I'm the STAR!"
"Somebody help this assistant find her boss and while you're at it, check what's in those cups in the writers' lounge."
"Ok, I'm ready to reshoot that last scene, AGAIN.">
Quote:
Originally Posted by poohbear_nc
I stared at that .38 caliber vuvuzela and pondered -- "Where the hell had she concealed that thing?" My mind broke into a cold sweat!
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While my brain was whirling with images of wanton vuvuzulicity, the broad began speaking again. "Listen," she said, whacking me alongside the head with the v******a, "Here's the lowdown on the job I need you to do for me."
[I spurn your feeble attempts to edit the truth from our manuscript! The truth will out! The truth must out! And the vuvuzela too!]
[
]
"Ow, lady, quit whacking me with that v*..v*..v******a!" I said, jumping out of the chair and covering my head with my hands.
"It's about time you noticed, that I'm the one with the vicious looking gun in here," she purred.
"Okay," she said, "the low down on the job; it's all on this list that I prepared whilst you were otherwise engaged by the Green Mob down in the Suite. We need, "she explained with a sultry purr in her voice, "to leave immediately for the Outer Space Casino that is located on the small island on the map that is mentioned in the list; Oh! and don't forget the ape - his orange coat suggests he's a spy for some beer company ....."
How could I forget an ape wearing an orange coat -- try as I might? I sighed and took a gander at the dame's long list!
"Erm," I said.
"This list looks to me like a grocery list
"
"Eggs, milk, whipped cream, spotted dick, scotch, pop-tarts, vegetable oil, leather pants for the monkey..." I read with surprise. Then it dawned on me that I was reading my grocery list, not the dame's list.
I grabbed her list and started reading. My eyes popped at the first item: 1. Hose the big ape!
Item number two was equally curious; 'Get the 7 Sheboygan bratwurst from the ape's uncle.' This was going to be trickier than I had imagined.
I pulled my hat brim lower over my eyes and read on. I definitely would need to increase my daily rate to cover these jobs!
The dame was looking at me kinda funny, and I realized it was due to the rumbling noise coming from my stomach. "Hey blondie, how about we skedaddle over to the fried chicken joint and grab some grub?", I suggested.
"Oh no," she shrieked softly, "I NEVER eat chicken." "How could anyone eat food that used to be a cute fluffy little chick?"
"Easy. I just stuff it between my choppers and chow down," I replied with the kind of smile that hadn't crossed my face since the repeal of Prohibition.
The dame fainted dead away, wafting gently to the carpet. I looked down at her for a while, then whistled up a taxi and said "KFC - $20 tip if we get back before she wakes up."
I was just finishing the last chicken wing and thinking to myself, that for such a little thing she sure does snore, when I saw her eyes open.
"'Bout time you woke up, Blondie," I said, as I picked a piece of chicken out of my teeth.
"Okay," I said; feeling somewhat full and fed-up in equal measure, "shall we not get this show on the road, and let me start earning this pittance you are offering?".
"Sure, why not?" she said whilst nibbling on a spare rib that she found tucked away in the box, "let's up and away now we've eaten, there's a bus leaving in 5 minute....."
"Hey lady," I growled "I never travel in anything other than a taxi." "And just where the hell are we going?"
"Fine!", she growled back at me, and I thought to myself, that she's kind of cute when she growls, even though she snores like a drunk.
"Ill fill you in as we get going," she said.
"Fine" I said and whistled up a cab. When I opened the door for the dame, a hairy arm shot out of the back of the cab and pulled the dame into the cab, which then sped away in a choking exhaust cloud.
"What, no way - this wasn't in any script I read or heard."
My hand held the luggage rack as tightly as I could as the cab sped off, I coughed as the exhaust fumes ticked the back of my throat - but no way was I going to let this dame and that monkey leave without me........there was my reputation to consider - that plus this dame was my first job since the Spring Contest ......
Unfortunately for me, my hands were covered in chicken grease! I was losing my grip when the cab suddenly slowed down.
I shot over the top of the cab, cursing the flimsy paper napkins provided by KFC! As I landed on the hood, I saw the big ape pull the blonde out of the cab and run into a run-down brownstone row house.
Wiping the chicken grease on my pants leg, I pulled my gat and ran after the ape. Slowly, I tiptoed around the corner, down the steps, and through the door left swinging in the wind by the ape; I was immediately attacked by an odor so foul I almost yakked up some fowl.
I held my breath and ran towards the closing door at the end of the hall. Suddenly, the door slammed open and the ape and the blonde exploded out the door and ran toward me.
Again, I was bombarded by the foulest stench that had ever fouled New York, which is really strange, considering we're in Los Angeles. I beat feet out of the hallway and grabbed a lungful of air.
And immediately began coughing out lungfuls of LA smog. Damn it tasted good!
It was kinda like chewing on the tailpipe of a '43 Ford. Only better.
NOTICE: This thread is on hiatus due to the writer's strike.
ACTUALLY ONE OF THE WRITERS IS TRAPPED IN THE "WIN AN IPAD' THREAD SPINNING AN ENDLESS SAGA UNTIL THE PRIZE IS AWARDED. THEN I'LL RETURN TO SPINNING AN ENDLESS SAGA HERE! I ONLY HAVE 2 HANDS! AND I'M AT WORK!
As I straightened up, I noticed the ape had taken a powder, but the dame was still there, straightening out the seam in her stocking and muttering "Damn -- another pair of hose ruined!"
"More than intimate apparel is ruined, sweetheart" I snarled.
"Do you even know how hard it is to find a good pair of stockings?" she snarled, as she put her hands on her hips and glared at me.
"And stop that coughing!" she added.
"So, what was all that about?" I asked. And coughed some more.
[Boy, you neglect a thread for a few days and then it's really hard work to catch up. You guys were excellent 
]