For those of you just tuning in, Part 1
is here and Part 2 (up to this point) is under here
Spoiler:
Now, what to wear for a smoky night club in Paris?
Cue in the Intermission medley and serve the refreshments now!
Cigars, cigarettes, cigarillos? Gum? Cocaine?
....Stormy Petrel on a stick!
No I don't think we're offering any of that.
And no chicken on a skewer either!
Oh, dear. Am I very late? I just couldn't decide what to wear.
Why is it so smokey in here? What's all that powdery white stuff? "Gesundheit!"
And who is that chicken running around yelling, "I said NO chicken on a skewer!"
Well, anyway...
Do you think the dots are too much?
Your bow sort of combines the old axiom: "basic black with a rope of pearls"
Oh, dear. I so didn't want to look like my mom. Humm, maybe something different?
Do you think this would catch the eye of those Parisian men?
<FX: Shaky, wavey camera effect indicating flashback. Voiceover.>
"So there I was on the Wednesday, almost wearing the little black dress and singing some sultry french chansons when two socks walked in, one wearing a safety pin, and sat by the bar and proceeded to order fabric conditioner doubles. A few minutes later they were joined by a tall dark, sunglasses-wearing man carrying a violin case."
I was in the middle of my first set, and directed my most soulful gazes towards them. They were so busy chatting together that not one of them noticed when the song was over.
I wasn't use to being ignored, so I signaled the band for a song change and walked to the edge of the stage.
As the first notes began, I leaned my back against the post, and slowly drew my hand up my body, and grabbed the post behind my head.
The chattering suddenly stopped. A few glassy clinks could be heard over the dripping noise of spilt drinks.
That's more like it, I thought to myself, even the tall dark, sunglasses-wearing man with the violin case is staring at me with his mouth hanging open.
I gave a little flip to my hair and began the first notes of the song.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the violin case move swiftly up onto the bar. I took a deep breath and hit the floor hoping it would all be over soon.
After rolling around in cigarette buts and peanuts shells for a minute I noticed a distinct lack of the gun fire I had been expecting. Looking up I saw the patrons still staring at me, although for a completely different reason now, and man with the violin case showing some thing in the case to his sock companions.
"You guys wanna score" he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "I got evrythin' a character made out of a sock could possible need, darning needles, thread, talc, Odour Eater, bits of wool, buttons...know what I mean", he winked.
I was SO embarrassed at misreading the contents of the violin case that I had to have a lie-down back stage. While I was bathing my fevered brows with lavender water I heard a loud knock at my dressing room door.
"Excuse me Ms Noir, but I represent an agency that believes certain clients of this establishment may represent a threat to certain key infrastructures of the United States and we'd like your help in, ummm, studying them. To be precise, the pair of socks," said a disembodied voice from behind the door.
I immediately said "What socks?" And, "Don't you always lose the left sock when you do laundry?"
"Actually, I always find one EXTRA sock in the laundry...", the disembodied voice answered. "And don't pretend you don't know what socks I'm talking about, lady."
I hastily glanced down at my silk stockings. Both were still on my legs.
"And if you are having some doubts about helping, can I remind you about your escapade with the politician, some icecream and an electric toothbrush. Would the photos help you remember?" continued the voice as I thought that i really must open the door.
Oh god, there were photos? I ran to open the door, ready to spill my guts -- anyone's guts -- just to get hold of those photos!
"I see I finally have your attention", the person at the door said. I took a good long look at him and gasped.
It was the ape! In a three-piece sharkskin suit!
Suddenly a strikingly handsome man jumped into the middle of the story! Then, sensing that he was needed elsewhere, he vanished leaving only a hint of what might have been.
The ape smiled a smile like he knew he had me cornered. He was right!
Yum, with that voice and the way the three-piece sharkskin suit fit him, I didn't mind being cornered. I wonder if he likes ice cream and electric toothbrushes?
I sashayed over to the liquor cabinet. Turning back, I asked "Can I get you a drink, big fella?"
I could murder a banana daiquiri, he replied. Then he unbuttoned his coat!
Instantly, I felt a sense of dread! Looking at his bared chest, I realized that it was covered with enough gold chains to make Mr. T stand up and take notice.
The gold chains nestled amidst the long reddish-brown hair that covered his chest. I stepped closer and said "Now, about those photos."
As I started to make my move, I suddenly heard a noise in the hallway. It sounded like the scurrying of dozens of small varmints, or maybe rodents, or quite possibly a herd of dust bunnies.
A chill ran down my spine, followed by something small with four feet running up my spine.
"you will, of course, be accompanied by a little friend of mine," I was informed as my sense of foreboding grew.
"Where are we going?" I asked, as I eyed the squirrel that was now perched on my shoulder nibbling at my hair bow.
The big ape laughed deep in his throat and grabbed my elbow in his strong leathery hands.
It was like being massaged by a rhinoceros with a sledgehammer. Only not so enjoyable.
"Ouch!", I proclaimed, as the ape pushed me towards the door in a not-so-gentle manner. With a snicker he replied "That's why they call me 'The King of the Jungle'."
As the big ape pushed me out the door, I thought I saw two socks, one wearing a safety pin, quickly duck into the room next door. I started to wonder if this was just a bad dream and I needed to wake up.
I wasn't, though I needed to.
"Now get out there and get those socks enamoured with you," insisted the ape.
I slunk sensuously into the next room following the socks. As I peered in through the door, I felt a little flutter of exhilaration as I saw what they were up to.
I spied one sock repairing a hole in the other sock. It was the (cue the mysterious drum-roll) "darndest" thing I had ever seen!
Adjusting the seam in my nylons, I edged sinuously into the room with the socks. In my huskiest siren voice I said, "Hey guys -- want to practice some safe sox?"
Hearing that proposal, both socks stood at attention. "Threesome?" they said in unison.
I guess they were used to that concept, since the washing machine always eats the left sock in any pair. I was sorry to disillusion them about my intentions, since the one being repaired was just my size!
<And.. ACTION!>
Just as I was sliding up to the most perfect sized sock, I felt a quick pull on the ribbon in my hair. That hairy ape's little squirrel friend hissed in my ear, "Stay focused on the plan!"