Some funny one-liners I read and liked: (some are too funny)
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http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/)
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?