[LazyScot]

MEMO

From: Highways Agency, England, United Kingdom
To: The Ministry of Unutterable Silliness, Mobilita Republica
Subject: Contravention of UN Quango Security Resolution #7435

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Dear Ministry,

We wish to remind you of resolution number 7435 of the UN Security Council's Quango Management subcommittee. As a permanent member of this committee we are sure you do know of this resolution, but we restate it here as a scene setting to our complaint.

"7435: It is resolved that the Highways Agency, England, United Kingdom, as an entirely self sovereign quango existing within the United Kingdom, is fully and completely capable, as it has amply demonstrated on multiple occasions, of managing all of its own sillinesses. As such, The Ministry is required, and has agreed, to leave all acts of silliness within the highways of the Highways Agency solely, totally and utterly to the acts of the Highways Agency. The Ministry has agreed not to undertake any acts of Silliness within any such highways."

We wish to draw your attention to the actions lately undertaken on the M25 involving a large lorry bearing a logo clearly associated with yourselves that appeared to be driven by a non-human, a limousine that appeared to have no driver, a cloud of what our spectral analysis indicates in cornflour that was purchased by the Ministry on the 4th of this month (delivery order number 54619), the disappearance of the said limousine and the imminent intersection of these aforementioned road-going vehicles with three blackhawk attack helicopters and two troop transport helicopters (of currently indeterminate origin).

Our prediction systems have indicated that the above will lead, with approximately 98.6739% certainty, to extreme silliness to take place within the boundaries of the M25 within one circulation of the M25 (a time period varying between 3 seconds and 49887 years depending on the driver, vehicle and variable speed limit signs).

You are hereby served with a cease and desist order.

We trust in your immediate compliance with this order and instant response.

Yours,

Highways Agency, England
Quango Interactions Department
UN Mission SubDepartment
Communications SubSubDeparment

[Checking Cryptographic Signature.
Message Verified.
Unverified, deniable, postscript follows:]

Look, we don't want to stop you doing silliness. We were mightily impressed with your escapade involving the House of Lords, three crates of kumquats, a private member and that foreign office memo. But we really object to you doing it on our roads. We've many people who work incredibly hard to maintain the necessary levels of silliness on the highways infrastructure. You wouldn't want to put them out of work, now would you? That might mean they get upset. Remember what happened in the aftermath of your April 1st jest at our last all-hands meeting (by the way, do you want the recipe for catnip doughnuts back?)

[Message ends….]