[LazyScot]

Voice Over: With the coming of the great Christmas shop, many eyes imprisoned in shopping malls turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the electronic books. MobileRead became the great embarkation point. But, not everybody could get to MobileRead directly, and so a tortuous, roundabout refugee trail sprang up - Paris to Firefox... across the Plugins and Tabs to the great search engine... then by mouse, or luck, or redirect across the internet, to the Lounge. Here, the fortunate ones through karma, or questions, or a good joke, might obtain liseuses and scurry to MobileRead; and from MobileRead, to the New World of Electronic Books. But the others wait in the Lounge... and wait... and wait... and wait.

An officer of the Great Christmas Shop reads aloud, "To all officers - two mall executives carrying important lisueses mugged on train from the great search engine. Mugger and possible accomplices headed for the Lounge. Round up all suspicious characters and search them for stolen documents. Important."

And all over the usual suspects are rounded up. WetDogEared, who tried to escape by saying he Was Deliberately Excused. It didn't work. Slite attempted to reduce the officers to giggles with his Bad Christmas Jokes – he was thrown into the van with extreme prejudice for infringing Crackers rights.

The camera follows the van as the usual suspects are driven away, and finally alights on a sign that once read "Adrian's" but has been very crudely scribbled over with "Pshyrnk's Café American".

Pshrynk is wandering around in a natural, proprietorial fashion, chatting with the various customers, providing the occasional free drink in exchange for a them booking a session with him. In the background, Sam the Jukebox is playing a selection of music. VivaldiRules enters the bar and wanders over to Pshyrnk.

"Hello Pshyrnk."

"Hello Vivaldi."

"Looking at you here, you'd think you've been doing this all your life."

"What makes you think I haven't?"

"Well, when you first came into the Lounge, I though—"

"You thought what?"

"You're right, what right do I have to think?"

"Why don't you take that line with my scripts?"

"Because you never send them to me until after we've shot the scene. So of course I ad-lib. Not my fault if the parts you play are so easy to upstage." VR sits down. "Too bad about the shopping mall executives."

"They got a lucky break; six months sick leave with company paid psychiatric help."

"You're a very cynical person, Dr Pshrynk, if you'll forgive me for saying so."

"Dr. Pshrynk. I like the sound of that. Indicates the appropriate deference you owe me. I forgive you."

"Then I need a favour from you," said Vivaldi, and he reached into a pocket (which was, admittedly, somewhat surprising given he was a dog), and took out two liseuse. "I want you too look after these for a few hours."

"Who did you bribe for these? Hijack the MR Christmas competition?"

"No, I found them."

"Found them? I don't suppose you know anything about those mall executives?"

"Look, is it my fault if they sit around flaunting their bacon sandwiches. So naturally, I wandered up to them, smiled and asked if they wanted to share. It's just unfortunately that, um, their crown jewels were at the same height as my teeth, that they didn't react well to talking dogs and ran off. So I helped myself to the sandwiches."

"I heard a rumour the mall executives were carrying liseuses."

"Hmmm. Well, I'm sure they wouldn't leave things like that lying around."

VivaldiRules wanders off, and Pshrynk chats with ShortNCuddlyAm for a bit, before telling her go home, and sending TallNHairyDave with her. Then YvanLeTerrible, in a captain's uniform wanders in.

"Hello Captain Renault, I mean Captain LeTerrible, I mean Louis…. I mean Yvan," said Pshrynk.

"Hello Pshrynk. Throwing women away, again?"

Pshrynk studied his drink.

"Well, I thought to inform you, we will be making an arrest. A mugger no less."

"Oh?"

"You won't do anything, um, stupid, will you?"

"Definitely not. Not for that upstager."

"A wise policy."

"I shall have a guest. A Major LazyScot. Of the Shopping Mall. I wish him to see the arrest. And how efficient we are."

"I see. But what brings him here? Surely not just to see a bacon sandwich snaffler arrested."

"No, there is a rumour that MoeJoe will be arriving here shortly. He has chased this man all the way from Paris."

"MoeJoe?"

"That's the first time I've seen you impressed," said Yvan.

"Well, he's succeeded in impressing half the world."

"It's my job to make sure he doesn't impress the other half. He must never reach the world of ebooks. He must stay here in the lounge."

"You think you can hold him."

"Oh yes; he needs not one, but two liseuses."

"Two?"

"He's travelling with a woman."

At this point Verencat arrives, "Sir, Major LazyScot is here."

"Pshrynk, if you'll excuse me? I'll introduce you after this evenings entertainment." and with that Yvan and Verencat headed over to Major LazyScot.

<CUT TO NEXT DAY>

MoeJoe and Zelda walk into the bar, and get taken to a table.

"I can’t see anyone who looks like VivaldiRules. We may have to find another source for our liseuses."

At that point, YvanLeTerrible entered and wandered over to their table.

"MoeJoe? Welcome to the Lounge. May I wish you a pleasant stay."

"I don't intend to stay long. But may I present Zelda."

"I was informed you where the most beautiful woman ever to visit the lounge. This was a gross mis-understatement." There was, it must be said, a loud muttering throughout the lounge at this point.

"Captain LeTerrible, the music?"

"Sam? He's been with Pshrynk since he arrived from Paris."

"Zelda, I'd be careful around Pshrynk. He's well, he's Pshrynk." And with that Yvan left. The couple watched him depart

"I need to find a source of liseuses," said MoeJoe and wandered off to question the more shadier members of the bar (of which there was an ample supply). Unfortunately, most seem to take the matter of liseuses very seriously and it appeared that a few arguments were taking place.

Zelda wandered over to Sam.

"Hello Sam."

"Hello Miss Zelda. I didn't expect to see you again."

"Yes, it's been many years. Play a song from the old days."

"I'm not sure I remember any."

"Play it, Sam. Play the "House of Fun", the Ska classic."

Reluctantly, Sam started playing. He got about five bars into the song before Pshrynk came charging over.

"Sam, I told you never to play that—"

Pshrynk and Zelda see each other, and look at each other.

<At this point we need to have a flash back reminiscence. So if you could just shake your head so to simulate the effect—Ah. I see you still have the rattle when you do that. Have you seen the doctor's about that? No? Oh. Um. Can you try shaking a little more gently? Ummm. That rattle is definitely getting worse, and is very distracting. Okay. Umm. Right. Let's just skip this reminiscence. Suffice it to say that Pshrynk and Zelda have some sort of "history" in Paris that was marked out by a collection of Ska records (that Pshrynk could dance surprisingly well to). It abruptly ended with the arrival of Christmas shopping, cold Winter temperatures and, unbeknownst to Pshrynk, MoeJoe. And you really ought to have your head checked out. It sounds as if something is loose in there.>

"Pshrynk, do you know where I can find some liseuses. I need to get out of here?"

"Even if I have them, why should I give them to you?"

And with that MoeJoe returned.

"So you are Pshrynk?" Pshrynk nodded. "Then at least use one to help Zelda escape the march of Christmas Consumerism."

"And why would you want me to do that."

"Do you think I'm just a figurehead. Some abstract concept only interested in the triumph of an ideal? That all I care for is the victory of my beliefs. Do you really think I could believe all this and not care for those around me? Is it really impossible for you to believe that I might have human compassion. That my beliefs are driven by that and not the other way round. I'm a man. Dammit, I love her and want to see her safe from this insane march of purchasing. And you can do that for her."

"MoeJoe, don’t," started Zelda.

"And why shouldn't I?" interjected Pshrynk.

"Pshrynk, you've got to give us both those liseuses," demanded Zelda.

"Make up your mind, then."

"Look---"

At that point Yvan and I wandered over.

"Major LazyScot," said Pshrynk and MoeJoe together.

"I believe you have two liseuses on you person, Pshyrnk. And you acquired them by, shall we say, nefarious means. Given them to me."

"You don't want me to do that," said Pshrynk.

"Give them to me," I said. And with that Pshrynk reached into his coat and took out the liseuses, and passed them to me. I opened them to check them. On one of them was a single word.

"Duck?" I enquired.

THWACK

"He never learns, does he?" said Pshrynk, who took the liseuses from my unconscious hands and passed them to MoeJoe and Zelda. "Take these and get to the freedom of ebooks.

"Hmmm," said Yvan, looking at my prostrate form. He reached for his radio. "Major LazyScot has been thwacked. Round up the usual suspects."

"This is the beginning of a beautiful kitchen… er friendship," said Pshrynk.

"You're a rank sentimentalist," replied Yvan.

<with profound thanks and apologies to Epstein, Epstein and Koch>