I would help you write it, as long as you promise that I wouldn't get any hatemail from either side. Also, first, can you please hold back the tide, lift yourself by your own bootstraps, and push a pound of butter up a parrot's poop-chute with a hot needle.
(Note, Christmas-to-New-Year is going to get in the way, but I'd actually help out after that, if you want, Nate).
Cheers,
Marc