[LazyScot]

Music Night at Adrian's (Part 3)

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Anyhow back to the present now as all that was happened (English is struggling again; sorry) about three bars down to the right (which in Adrian's dimensions is, in fact, two weeks into the future). And as a result, we now have a music "open mike" day. And I'm now wearing a cycling helmet with pointy protection just in case the experts decide more experiments are needed with that silly gun thing (which is very strange, as I'm sure I didn't have one when I crawled in and had a spatial co-incidence event with an anas platyrhynchos).

(By the way, does anyone have some spare parentheses? I seem to be running very low for some reason. Apologies. And I seem to be suffering from a bad bout of digression-itis)

Whilst I was pondering my newly appeared headgear, Pshrynk appeared. (Normally I wouldn't mention his companions, but given that they later get involved in involuntary powered flight as a result of interaction with one of the prime actors, I feel I have to.) He was accompanied by Portia and Petunia, who appeared to be identical twins, and were wearing classic little black dresses, high-heels and carrying matching clutches. This was, admittedly, slightly confusing.

At this point, I feel I should explain that I am using the term "slightly" in its literal sense. As in "three doughnuts last slightly longer than two doughnuts", rather than my more normal usual cynical and ironic use as in "squirrels are slightly dangerous". But I digress yet again; back to the story….

Now, it was slightly confusing not because they looked drop dead gorgeous (though it was somewhat worryingly that I thought they did), or because Marc gave them each a glass of dry white wine in what, judging by the sound when they chimed them together, was very high quality crystal, or even the incredibly elegant way they sat on the barstools. Or even the way they looked at Pshyrnk. Nope. None of the above. It was that they were Pandaborgs.

And as I was trying to get my mind round pshyrnk's companions, the warmup act started. I have absolutely no idea how Marc talked VivaldiRules into doing the warmup act, or how long he has been the lead singer of a previously unknown band called The Venerable Dawgs. And I must admit his, and his band's rendition of The Soggy Bottom Boys hit "I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow" from the film Oh Brother Where Art Thou was an instant hit, and had everyone dancing. Heck, it even had me doing a little jig based on one I'd seen in the ceilidh in Local Hero.

A couple of songs later The Venerable Dawgs came to the end of their set. From their earlier songs, I'd never taken them as fans Donny Osmond, but I must admit that their rendition of "And they call it Puppy Love" was, ummm, both unique, uproarious and very popular, especially with the slight re-writing of the words (though I do wonder if Marc was involved in the textual revisions).

I must admit I was disappointed that the headline act wasn't Zelda and the Bohemians, as I had been hoping, for some time, to persuade them to do a version of the Shirley Bassey hit "History Repeating". (Exactly how I came to have been hoping for this for some time given that the cause hadn't yet happened is just one of those Adrionian mysteries that are better left unopened.)

As I was madly trying to beat my mind into submission and stop it investigating yet another Adrionian cause and effect conundrum, the headline act for the day stepped onto the stage and was announced by the MC Marc. "Put your hands together, and welcome your friend and mine, The Yeti and His Ukulele."

"Wait… What?" I said pausing distractedly from my attempts to pummel my mind into submission.

"Oi! Copyright infringement!" responded pshrynk, "that'll be $300."

"What is it with you and three hundred dollar bills?"

"Have you any idea how much my professional insurance has gone up since I disclosed that I associate with you?"

"Not half as much as it would have if you hadn't disclosed our tender ministrations."

Before this discussion could get out of hand, ShortlyNCuddlyAm gave both of us a looked that indicated she would greatly appreciate some silence for the Yeti. And anyone who can silence the Pshyrnk with a look should be respected. So we settled down for the Yeti's set.

I must admit that I had expected some rather dull George Formby songs. I was certainly not expecting a major Queen hit. And certainly didn't know that the Ukulele could sound like it did under the Yeti's, err…, paws? Nor that it would blend so well with the backing tracks that Marc provided. And so we were entertained to a rendition of Bohemian Rapsody (well, at least I got to listen to some sort of bohemian, albeit not Zelda's ones). And I'd never have guessed that the Yeti had such an incredible voice.

Glancing over at pshrynk, I noticed that both Portia and Petunia were more than a little hypnotised by the Yeti's performance. Everything about the stance, posture and body language seemed to say they were besotted. (How I knew about Pandaborgs' body language, whether or not it is in a little black dress, is beyond me. I glared at my mind and it glared back. Then, still nursing its bruises, it decided not to pursue this particular conundrum.) Whilst I was idly wondering how Am would take this, the Yeti moved onto his next song.

And once again, his selection amazed me. Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love??? At the thought of the lights being on, but no-one at home, Portia and Petunia's expressions came to mind, so looked quickly over to see what they were up to now. Only to find they were not there. Looking around I suddenly saw them on stage. From nowhere they had acquired some electric guitars and were playing the role of backing performers exactly like Mr Palmer's video.

I glanced over at Am, and learned something very interesting about little black dresses. They appear to be stab proof. At least that is the only explanation I can have for the fact that Portia and Petunia were completely unharmed by the daggers contained in Am's glare at them. The Yeti, who was far too effectively dancing with them, was very fortunate to have such warm fur; Am's stare would probably have slightly inconvenienced a lesser creature.

(At this point, I should indicate that my use of the term slightly here has returned to the more normal ironic, and not literal, sense.)

It's fair to point out that pshrynk was none to pleased with Portia and Petunia abandoning him, but his glares were getting knocked aside by Am's like so much confetti in the middle of a tornado.

As the song drew to a close, Portia and Petunia drew closer to the Yeti. And they didn't have dancing on their minds. They clearly had thoughts of acutelation.

How many of you are familiar with Taz, the Tasmanian devil of Looney Tunes fame, and more specific its mode of locomotion? Well, that particular whirlwind started up where Am had been sitting and headed in a straight line for the stage, specifically Portia and Petunia.

Now Evolution and Engineering are fabulous things, and can achieve the most incredible feats. And the Pandaborg have clearly been the beneficiary of both. However, despite this lavish attention, Portia and Petunia really had not evolved to withstand an angry Am. Am's whirlwind met them just before they could start their planned acutelation of the Yeti. At which point Portia and Petunia learned, whilst travelling in opposite directions, that flight was non-trivial, they were very ill-equipped for airborne steering (and even less so for a controlled deceleration) and that the walls of Adrian's are very very hard, and very, very resistant to impacts. It's amazing just how defensive of her Yeti Am is, even when angry with him.

Having thus departed Portia and Petunia from the stage, Am gave the Yeti a final glare and stormed off back to her drink. The Yeti shrugged sheepishly (sheepish shrugs are something that at least this Yeti was well evolved for) as he watched Am sit down. Looking suitably embarrassed and very apologetic, he settled down to give the next song of his set.

Thinking briefly, the Yeti started another song. It was the first time I could remember ever seeing Marc discombolated (at least whilst in Adrian's), as he desperately sought the right backing track. As a peace offering, the Yeti was singing Queen's "One Year of Love". And it seemed to do the trick, as Am was mollified.

The next few songs covered an impressive range. They included an introduction to the mandatory George Formby song (though, it is fair to say, one or two Adrionians would have preferred to stay in ignorance of this), a rendition Madness' Our House (I suspect simply to see Pshyrnk's face), It's a Kind of Magic by Queen (assisted by some incredible special effects courtesy of Marc, that led some lurkers to take centre stage with the Yeti), and Bleed to Love Her by Fleetwood Mac (I suspect that his might have been targeted at Am).

Slowly the lights in Adrian's dimmed and a spotlight gently illuminated the Yeti for his final song, and he returned to another Queen song. Gently, the sound of other instruments blended seamlessly with the Yeti's voice and Ukulele as he started his version of "These are the Days of our Lives". Changing past to the present, as he sang "When I look and I find" he invited Am back up onto the stage. And as he sang the final lines, everyone was entranced (even Portia and Petunia who had pulled themselves back together and where hiding behind pshrynk), and he and Am where looking into each others eyes, the past mishap with the Panaborg forgiven. There wasn't a dry eye left.

You know, if someone had told me when I entered Adrian's that day that a Ukulele playing Yeti would bring tears to my eyes, I'd probably have made some cynical or sarcastic quip. But today I think I've discovered just how overrated cynicism and sarcasm are. And, with everyone else in the bar, I applauded with tears in my eyes, as Am quickly ushered the Yeti out of Adrian's.