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Some (hopefully) tasteful Jewish jokes:
A women give to her only son two ties as a present. Since he knows his mother all too well, on his weekly visit to her he wear one of the ties. She takes one look at him at the door and says: So you don't like the other one...
An old Jewish father calls his son who lives in New York from Miami and says: "Son, I'm sorry to ruin your day, but me and your mom have had enough. We're divorcing. 50 years of pain is too much."
"Pa, what are you talking about?" asks the surprised son.
"We can't bear each other's company anymore" says the father, "Sorry to tell you this, but it's the truth. Call your sister in Chicago and give her the news. I can't bear to have this conversation again with her too."
So the brother calls his sister in shock and gives her the news.
She tells him "I'll handle this!". She immediately calls the father and scream at him: "I'm calling Billy now, We are taking the next plane to Miami and by tomorrow morning we're there. Don't do anything rush till we get there!".
So the father hang the phone and tells his his wife: "There, what did I tell you, Amily dear, they're coming for Passover and they're paying for their tickets!".
Two Jewish fellas are meeting:
One asks: "How are you, been a long time since we met".
His friend answers: "Well I just came back from a visit to Kruger National Park".
"Oh, how was it?"
"Terrible. My car got stuck. I ran into a huge lion, and when I turn to run back there was a stampede of Buffalos rushing towards me..."
"How come you're still alive?"
"You call this a living?"
A priest and a rabbi go to try a new barber shop for the first time.
After the haircut the priest asks - how much for the haircut? so the barber answers, for you, father, it's free. The priest thanks him and the day after the barber finds an extra hundred dollar on his table.
The rabbi also have an haircut. After, he asks the barber, how much for the haircut? The barber answers: for you, rabbi, it's for free. The day after, the barber finds a hundred rabbis waiting for him at opening time...
An old Jewish woman goes to visit rabbi Schumer.
She says, “My dog is very sick. I want you to pray for him to get well.”
“Well, ” says the rabbi, “We only pray for human being, not for animals or livestock.”
“OK,” says she, “If that’s the attitude you’re going to take, I’ll go and give my 10,000$ to rabbi Cohen from across the street to pray for my dog.”
“10,000$?” says the rabbi, “Wait! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Jewish?”
An old Jewish man is dying. It’s a sad day. All his family are gathered around his bed.
“Bill? Is that you?”
“Yes, dear father.”
“Johnny, you here?”
“Yes, father, anything you want?”
“Sharon? Naomi?”
“We’re here, pa, everyone is here.”
“Then why is the bathroom light on?”
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