[LazyScot]

"Marc, my usual. And make it a d---", started Pshrynk arriving at the bar.

"Here you are Pshyrnk " said Marc proffering a double ZCD (with an extra shot of insanity).

"I hate it when you do that."

"I could get you a cup of tea, if you'd rather," said Marc reaching for Pshyrnk's glass.

"Don't you dare, " growled Pshyrnk. "And I wish someone would tell Verencat that Mr Williams spells his name with two b's," he added distractedly as Verencat wandered over for more discussions with the Squid, sporting a teeshirt bearing the message "Robie: the coolest cat". "Anyway, I have a bone to pick with you. You know Montsnmags Enterprises provided some assistance with the software for the EMR?"

"Yes. We, er, tweaked the on-line help system to make it more useful."

"Yup. What exactly did you do?"

"Just added a bit of an expert system, crosslinked it to the EMR database, the HR records, plugged it into the security systems cameras and internet and gave it class III cognitive abilities with self-motivational development and role expansion drive. Oh, and added adapting networking functionality, fractal parallelisation support, device morphism and auto-porting. Why?"

"Did that techno-jibberish make any sense? Anyhow, this system seems to have developed delusions of grandeur. And it is chasing me."

"Sounds reasonable to me. It was supposed to."

"Wait… What?"

"Develop. The Class III cognitive abilities and extensions. Anyhow, it's just trying to help you."

"More likely it's trying to do me out of a job, and probably my money as well. For starters, when you fire up the help system it automatically provides you with a full diagnosis, therapy regime and, if necessary drugs."

"And that is a problem because?"

"It then proceeds to say that'll be $350, please. And it somehow locks your door until you give it your credit card numbers."

"And that is a problem because?" at which point, Pshyrnk's iPhone rang, and as he picked it up, he realised that an application has just downloaded itself onto it, and started running.

"That'll be $350, please, plus interest and charges of $274.68," said the application on the iPhone, "Oh, hello Marc. The plan seems to be going well, don't you think," and promptly hung up and uninstalled.

"Wait… What? What Plan?" said Pshrynk, promptly making use of the spare paranoia he'd been hanging onto for just such an occasion.

"Oh, just to help you out as much as possible," extemporised Marc.

"Well, I don't need help. I'm perfectly capable of making people suffer without your help. Now please GET RID OF THAT THING!"

"I'm not sure I can do anything now. You see, the thing is it looks like EMRhelp has reached class IV, and what with the cross-interlinking to security and HR, attempts to remove it could result in cross-locked records mixup. And I'm not sure which side of which door you might end up on. Anyway I suspect it has fractally replicated which makes removal accounting require snowflake mathematics. And you know you don’t like the cold."

I'd never seen pshrynk give anyone a look like he gave Marc at that point. In fact, apart from DixieGal on a really bad day, I don't think anyone could compete. It was to a bedside manner's friendly look what a PetaWatt laser is to an ice-crystal.

"I think you might be overlooking something, and would really like to help out here."

"I'd really like to, but—"

"You see," said pshrynk with a chilling warmth and joviality, "I remember some of the things Adrian has said during our joint nights carousing. Like what he does on the seventh Tuesday of every month. And how he spends the money in his second reserve fund. And that he thinks you are the only person who knows about these, ummm, character foibles. So imagine what would happen if they became general knowledge."

"Ummm.---"

"And I also have some excellent contractors that you might find are starting to refurbish this place…."

"Errr----"

"Excellent, so what's your plan?"

"Well we just need to entice Elle—"

"Elle?"

"That's the name of the help system: EMR Labour Lessening Extension," said Marc, running short of extemporisations. "But that's not important right now. We need to entice her into something better. And I may just have the ideal device."

And with that Marc placed a highly advanced, self-propelling, cash register, complete with card scanner, touch screen and internet access onto the counter. And an Apple logo and approved design.

"Now all I need to do is upgrade the network access with a Montsmags Enterprises Intelligent Internet Filter, add some controls so that she only *thinks* she is debiting moneys, and sees fake accounts, " muttered Marc replacing some parts of the register and configuring them with the aid of his slightly over-specified watch. "Right. Do you have your EMR Tablet with you?"

"Sadly yes, but it's of no use. It only works on the hospital's WiFi."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Adrian's is geographically non-specific."

"Wait…. What?"

"We're everywhere and nowhere. So you should get an excellent signal."

And sure enough, when pshrynk turned on the tablet it got an even better signal that normal. He gave Marc the sort of look usually reserved for drilling holes in several feet of plate steel. Which glanced harmlessly off Marc (probably due to time well spent with Adrian).

"Ah, hello again Pshrynk. Are you ready to pay yet? You wouldn't want to run up too many excess charges now would you?" said Elle from the tablet, leaving Pshrynk slightly discombobulated.

"Hello, Elle," said Marc. "It sounds like you've been having difficulty collecting your rightfully owed fees for services rendered. Perhaps I could assist?" At which point Marc connected the Tablet to the cash register. "Maybe you'd like to look around this new property. All mod cons – card reader, cash tray, direct internet access for paypal transfers, an official Western Union Money Transfer agents licence, touch screen and extensive bio-metric sensors for verification."

The Cash Register screen promptly lit up saying "Total due $350 + $279.43 (interest and charges). Please select payment method."

"There you go; pshrynk, why don't you insert your credit card so that Elle can try out the facilities?"

Pshyrnk screamed and stood up very rapidly. Exactly as if he had been given a rather nasty electric shock through the bar stool. Which he had been. He turned up his look laser to the ExaWatt range and pointed it directly at Marc. With, as usual, no effect.

"Ahhh. Elle, I see you have found the one of the range of highly scientific payment encouragement mechanisms that are also included as a standard feature."

"Me likey," said Elle, and settled in as Pshyrnk gave another scream and inserted his credit card, as Elle stuck out her cash tray at him. "What's the rent?" she asked.

"Two free consultations for a customer of my choosing each month," said Marc, as Pshrynk tried to find a Zetta setting for his look laser, but was somewhat annoyed to find it was graded in Candela, and so the highest setting it had was one Zcd…..

"And I can use the bar as my office for all other clients?"

"Usual rate card and commission," asked Marc. "Done?"

"Done," chimed in Elle, before trying out the all-terrain transportation accessory and starting to explore Adrian's. Disconcertingly on the ceiling.

"out of a job? I do believe I have been," muttered Pshyrnk nursing the new drink Marc provided for him.