[LazyScot]

"Welcome to LazyScot's Hibernaculum's Messaging Center. Please select one of the following options, and remember, your call is important to LazyScot." Sometimes, thought Agent Verencat as she listened to the phone, Agent Scot took the title of SMF sleeping agent a little too literally.

"If you wish to arrange delivery of Cranach, please press 1. For deliveries of Scotch, please press 2. For deliveries of chocolate, please press 4. For all other deliveries, please press 5. If you wish to speak to the awful puns department, please press 6. For all inquiries relating to moneys owed please press 71783645619587346815487371864. For details of the release dates of stories, please press 8. To request an explanation of DSil, please press 9. For more options please press 0."

Tom Cruise never had to do this in the movies, thought Verencat as she pressed 0.

"Thank you. If you are calling for or on behalf of the PNS, please press 1. If you are calling on behalf of Adrian to arrange further sessions of re-education, please press 2. If you wish to negotiate movie rights to my life story, please press 3. If you are from another super-secret organisation and wish to contact me, please press 4. If you wish to return to the start of the menu system, please press 5. If you have lost your mind and wish to be transferred to a help line, please press 6 or take three ZCDs and call back in the morning. If…"

Verencat pressed 4, and started considering a strongly worded memo to the DG about LazyScot and his contact number.

"Thank you. Please remember that your call is important to me. I appreciate the time you are taking to contact me. You help in correctly directing your call to me is will assist me in dealing with your call as quickly as possible. Please press 6 to continue."

Verencat pressed 6.

"Thank you. If you are calling from the MUS please press 1, if you are calling from the Ministry of Misinformation, press 2. If you are calling from the CPZ, press 3. If you are calling from SMF press 4, If you are call.."

Verencat pressed 4, and mentally rewrote the memo using somewhat stronger language.

"Thank you. For verification purposes, please enter you authorisation code, followed by the hash key. And if you don't know what the hash key is, tough. I have to put up with everyone asking me to press the pound key on a phone, and it doesn't have a pound key so I…."

Verencat carefully entered her 10 digit code 7369872801.

"I'm sorry. Code 7369872904 is not recognized. BEEEEEP, " and the phone line hung up.

Oh drat, though Verencat, as she dialled the number again, only to find the menu options had changed.

<some time, and numerous keypresses, later>

"I'm sorry. Code 7369872981 is not recognized. BEEEEEP, " and the phone line hung up. Verencat thought some very unladylike thoughts at this point. And decided that a memo was not appropriate, and instead programmed her SMF issue trebuchet with the co-ordinates of LazyScot's Hibernaculum's Phone Menu system. And wondered if, perhaps, the PNS had good reason for victimising LazyScot. Ever the optimist, she dialled again.

<some time, and numerous keypresses, later.>

"Oh good grief. If you are that determined, I suppose I'd better let you leave a message. Please speak after the tone, and hang up once finished."

"Agent Scot, you are required immediately for an SMF mission to locate and acquire the ideal Christmas Present for Agent Rules. We are assembling at the meeting point codenamed Doughnut Store Alpha at precisely 07:30am tomorrow, local time. Be there. Or be squirrel food. Your choice. Oh, and you have about 23 minutes until a trebuchet load of Ikea catalogues hit your telephone menu system at terminal velocity. Terminal, that is, for the telephone system and anything within approximately 400 metres," said Verencat in a tone of pure steel that was completely surprising to anyone who knew her.