[Steven Lyle Jordan]

10: Distracting with Porn

Any web guy knows porn is the easy way around anything. You want it found? Use porn. You want it hidden? Use porn as a distraction. You want everyone to check it out? Give it a porn connection. In this case, it would be the cover to Fritz’s book, which he fortunately hadn’t created yet. Using trusty Photoshop, I whipped up a book cover that included a certain star of stage, screen, silken sheets, yacht decks, private plane lounges, limo back seats, doctor’s offices, and the occasional honeymoon suite closet (hey, I don’t judge ‘em, I just pick ‘em), and roughed up a set of futuristic clothing over her otherwise naked body… in such a way that everyone who saw it would know who it was, and how to find the unencumbered photo my art was based on. It was like dangling a carrot the size of… well, a really big carrot… in front of those sci-fi fanboys. Then I added a male, same notations as above, for the fangirls.

Then I sent that cover art shot to numerous e-book-related forums I dug up after a quick search, making sure the art was also a link to the bogus site. The bogus site included an easy-to-find page I’d thrown together on how to Photoshop cover art, which included source links. This material would suck the fanboys in like flies, because if there’s one thing fanboys like to do, it’s to know easy ways to make salacious content of their own. For the wimming, I added a few comments and links to sites that discussed the affairs of said male porn star with the wife of a certain Latin heartthrob. (Later, I’d remove the art and material, and leave a message from the author about an over-zealous web guru with questionable taste.)

I knew the sharks wouldn’t be likely to go that far in. All they wanted was to block the site. So, other than probably looking at the cover, they wouldn’t bother going any further in trying to find out how to make their own, or read beefcake gossip. That page would be ignored by them, and visited by everyone else. Which is why the link to the real site would be embedded in that page, where the sharks would never see it, but every fan would. The real site would provide a date for the beginning of the sale, and a link to a fresh bookmark (and a warning that the old bookmark would be no good before the sale date) that would bring them to the new page, while the sharks would have a link to the bogus page, and wait for the moment to launch their DOS attack in the wrong place.

Pete watched me work, occasionally making comments as to how to make the Photoshopped cover more salacious, or the text more likely to draw in the fans (think ‘fratboy humor’) and turn off the sharks. In this area, Pete was good. By lunchtime, I had a site, and some wicked cover art, that would’ve made Penthouse sit up and take notice.

And finally, came the coup de grace: The distraction. Today’s distraction would be brought to the bad guys courtesy of the letters “java” and “script.” And there were plenty of places to go online to find custom-made and customizable scripts designed to do everything from force-feed you dialogs and naughty pictures, to siphon everything off of your computer, and everything in-between. What I had in mind was a bit more elegant that those, but it would be just as interesting. I started to work on that, just as a ring came from the door, and Pete let in Gail and Fritz.

“How’s it going, guys?” Gail greeted us. Well, she said it like it was us, but she looked directly, and only, at me when she said it. Pete saw it, too, but he only grinned and rolled his eyes. One of these days, I’d have to understand how their relationship worked. But today was not the day… I had better things to do.

In the meantime, Gail came around me from one side, and Fritz on the other, and peeked over my shoulder at the website I’d created… and the salacious cover art. Fritz’s eyebrows instantly shot up above his hairline, while Gail’s eyes popped (hey, there’s a reason I picked that particular porn star… reaction is everything). Then Gail looked at me and said, “You boys really are all alike, aren’t you?”

“All part of the plan,” I said, and explained it in detail to them as I continued to work. Once I was done explaining, everyone seemed to agree that it was a great strategy. Gail even tousled my hair from behind, a sign, I suppose, that she approved of me.

“You’re evil,” was her actual comment. And then: “So, what’s next?”

“That’s what I’m doing now,” I replied. “Just a little javascript for the bogus site, and another for the real site. The script from the real site is designed to find the script from the first site, the bogus site, which everyone will hit first, and render that script non compos mentis.” Yeah, even I didn’t know what I’d just said, but I think I got the point across.

“And those who don’t go to the real site?” Pete asked.

“Those people will get a surprise on the release day,” I explained. “The first script will execute, and they’ll be too busy dealing with that to worry about anything else.”

“Busy doing what?” Gail asked.

In return, I looked back at her and smiled. “What? You think I’m gonna ruin the surprise? Wait and see, babe. Wait and see.”

And with that, I was done with my scripts. Just one thing left to do, and for that, I turned to Fritz. Pointing at the mouse, which had its cursor hovering over an “Okay” button, I said, “Care to do the honors?”

Fritz just smiled, extended a finger, and slowly lowered it towards the mouse.