oh actually I like some of that (not all of it
)
however I can see what your showing me, your's is much tighter and flows alot better (in my mind)
i will fiddle with this part after work (as I wasn't happy with it, hence my post) and try to bring a little of that discipline into my first chapter
Thanks Naomi, if you think of any other pointers feel free to let me know
i'll post up some more when I have it