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montsnmags · 07-28-2009, 11:32 PM

Carl, I don't presume to know how you feel. Although I have "been there", my experience suggests that those who have been there also know that it's different for everyone.

In 2003 my father finally succumbed to prostate cancer. We spent his last 10 days in hospital with him (and to the nurses and staff of Lingard Hospital...you are the only angels I know), barely sleeping, and often as not when we did on lino floors or semi-comfortable chairs. He started those 10 days alert, and finished, under the graduated comfort of morphine, with his breath fading out on the 10th day like the sound of a prayer bell (never quite sure when it ended). It was an excessively painful time, and, oddly, somewhat joyful too - our family learned much, from him and each other.

The times after, the grief, were the most hellish I've experienced. Even now, knock-on effects can be debilitating. A good friend, however, once told me that how we experience grief is ours alone - that it is the most starkly personal, and puts into relief the truism of individuality (not as a judgement, but as a non-judgemental observation). It was a hard road, such that I feel the guilt of potentially placing the idea in front of you at this time. Grief can bring you many new revelations about yourself, including an anger...a burning anger, which can spray everywhere like an unattended firehose at times (at least in my case). Most of all though, and as a friend put it for me, ARRGGHH! FUCKING CANCER!

To my mind, during grieving, it is good to be selective of the circumstances and interractions you place yourself in. Perhaps MR is not the right place for you now...but don't be put off everything "online". It may seem frivolous to quote a Rock musical here, but when "the blackness would hit me, and the void would be calling" (and it did, sometimes still does), it was as much online interraction as family support (alas, there's a mess for me in that latter that doesn't bare talking about right now) that helped me through the madness. Sometimes that support was from people who were aware, and very gently, without comment, held me up. Sometimes it was just from the participation in some "normality" that was unaware of the grief. Sometimes that support was allowing the madness to show in the form of manic humour and downright jocular foolishness. Perhaps I still make those allowances of myself (okay, no "perhaps" - I still do ~smile~). Regardless...there are many good people out there whose gentle touch or simply willing ear will help. Actually, a willing ear, ready to listen without feeling the need to offer "advice", is a surprisingly (or not) helpful salve (and I am uncomfortably contradicting myself with this very post

)

Six months after my father died, I lost my grandfather to the same disease. Six months after my grandfather died, I was again in the hospital, holding the hand of my much-loved mother-out-law as her breath, different to my father's, speeded up, hitched, and stopped suddenly with a slow exhale. [She'd had two operations over 18 months for a large meningioma growth, which deteriorated her mental faculties over that time, which was hard to watch in someone so intellectually agile, but no doubt harder to experience]

I guess my point is, death and grief can kick you harder than anything else, and every person who unknowingly (of your private pain) offers you criticism, pressure, or even insult can feel like they're giving a steel-booted kick while you're so very far down. Correspondingly, it is the oddest out-of-nowhere pats on the shoulder or back, for completely unrelated, sometimes minor things, and even from complete strangers, that can lift you, cradle you, from the depths. There are for more of the latter than the former out there, and there are far more of the non-strangers who will care enough to want to help; to gently, without comment, hold you steady when you need it, or just to listen when you need to HOWL your grief or rage at the universe. If you do not find them here, you will find them elsewhere, or they'll find you. Just keep an eye out for them...please.

Whatever you do though, do whatever you need to do to keep going. It's important. Keep going, and ask for help when you need it.

Yours with deep sadness and sincerity,
Marc

07-28-2009, 11:32 PM	#9
montsnmags Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,155 Karma: 4632658 Join Date: Nov 2007 Device: none	Carl, I don't presume to know how you feel. Although I have "been there", my experience suggests that those who have been there also know that it's different for everyone. In 2003 my father finally succumbed to prostate cancer. We spent his last 10 days in hospital with him (and to the nurses and staff of Lingard Hospital...you are the only angels I know), barely sleeping, and often as not when we did on lino floors or semi-comfortable chairs. He started those 10 days alert, and finished, under the graduated comfort of morphine, with his breath fading out on the 10th day like the sound of a prayer bell (never quite sure when it ended). It was an excessively painful time, and, oddly, somewhat joyful too - our family learned much, from him and each other. The times after, the grief, were the most hellish I've experienced. Even now, knock-on effects can be debilitating. A good friend, however, once told me that how we experience grief is ours alone - that it is the most starkly personal, and puts into relief the truism of individuality (not as a judgement, but as a non-judgemental observation). It was a hard road, such that I feel the guilt of potentially placing the idea in front of you at this time. Grief can bring you many new revelations about yourself, including an anger...a burning anger, which can spray everywhere like an unattended firehose at times (at least in my case). Most of all though, and as a friend put it for me, ARRGGHH! FUCKING CANCER! To my mind, during grieving, it is good to be selective of the circumstances and interractions you place yourself in. Perhaps MR is not the right place for you now...but don't be put off everything "online". It may seem frivolous to quote a Rock musical here, but when "the blackness would hit me, and the void would be calling" (and it did, sometimes still does), it was as much online interraction as family support (alas, there's a mess for me in that latter that doesn't bare talking about right now) that helped me through the madness. Sometimes that support was from people who were aware, and very gently, without comment, held me up. Sometimes it was just from the participation in some "normality" that was unaware of the grief. Sometimes that support was allowing the madness to show in the form of manic humour and downright jocular foolishness. Perhaps I still make those allowances of myself (okay, no "perhaps" - I still do ~smile~). Regardless...there are many good people out there whose gentle touch or simply willing ear will help. Actually, a willing ear, ready to listen without feeling the need to offer "advice", is a surprisingly (or not) helpful salve (and I am uncomfortably contradicting myself with this very post ) Six months after my father died, I lost my grandfather to the same disease. Six months after my grandfather died, I was again in the hospital, holding the hand of my much-loved mother-out-law as her breath, different to my father's, speeded up, hitched, and stopped suddenly with a slow exhale. [She'd had two operations over 18 months for a large meningioma growth, which deteriorated her mental faculties over that time, which was hard to watch in someone so intellectually agile, but no doubt harder to experience] I guess my point is, death and grief can kick you harder than anything else, and every person who unknowingly (of your private pain) offers you criticism, pressure, or even insult can feel like they're giving a steel-booted kick while you're so very far down. Correspondingly, it is the oddest out-of-nowhere pats on the shoulder or back, for completely unrelated, sometimes minor things, and even from complete strangers, that can lift you, cradle you, from the depths. There are for more of the latter than the former out there, and there are far more of the non-strangers who will care enough to want to help; to gently, without comment, hold you steady when you need it, or just to listen when you need to HOWL your grief or rage at the universe. If you do not find them here, you will find them elsewhere, or they'll find you. Just keep an eye out for them...please. Whatever you do though, do whatever you need to do to keep going. It's important. Keep going, and ask for help when you need it. Yours with deep sadness and sincerity, Marc Last edited by montsnmags; 07-28-2009 at 11:36 PM.