I found a book for you or maybe it was made by you... you ever go by the name tim bete?
Quote:
Avast ye land lubber spawn raiser
If you’re like most parents, you long to raise your children as pirates but just don’t know how. In the Guide to Pirate Parenting, Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers. You'll learn:
At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye
Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie
How to prevent sogging the quartermaster
The best place to maroon your disobedient child
How to remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child’s hair
The difference between plundering and pillaging
How to convert your minivan into a pirate schooner
When to smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar
And best of all each information-packed section of the Guide to Pirate Parenting ends with “Your pirate’s progress,” a short quiz that shows whether your child is reaching his or her pirate development milestones. If you follow the instructions in this book and your child does not become a pirate, Cap'n Billy will refund the purchase price of this book. *
* Please note, Cap'n Billy reserves the right to make refunds in salt god in lieu of cash, not that he plans to give any refunds anyways.
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