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UNIVERSITY APPLICATION. e-tales two.
What follows is a real application from a prospective student for a place at Southampton University.
His application was apparently successful.
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In order for the admissions staff of our University to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
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A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handed;y defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical applieances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I once read 'Paradise Lost', 'Moby Dick' and 'David Copperfield' in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining-room that evening.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not aply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But, I have not yet gone to this University.
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