Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphapheemail
I would highly appreciate if you could tell me what I have done particularly well as well as the things I didn't since I might not be realizing that I am doing XYZ right. This way I can concentrate on my weakness.
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As others have said, you've got the basic approach down. But you're going to need a lot of polish.
It seems like the topic you chose to cover is not one on which you actually have a particular point of view and you're just reciting various points about it. That's fine, but remember your goal: to convince people that while problems come with progress, progress is still a positive or essential. Your sentences should be working towards that goal.
I'm not sure if the Kettering quote needs to be in the essay or not; consult the instructions.
You need to vary your sentence structure more. You came off too dry and monotonous. You want a more fluid tone, more like conversational debate, not an academic paper.
I think the one big flaw in the essay is that in the middle paragraphs, you seem to start every paragraph with the actual point you're trying to make. This is probably the wrong approach. Instead, put that statement at the end of the paragraph, or in the second-to-last sentence, and use the other statements to build up to that, explaining the thought process. Then, remember to reiterate each of those main points in the final concluding paragraph.
You've made a good first attempt at an essay, but like someone learning to use a sword for the first time, you're swinging wildly at everything around you. Now you must learn the hone your movements, each one with a specific purpose in mind.