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We raced back to the boat ramp like their pensions depended on it. Which maybe they did. We zipped out of the boat and climbed into a car, that tore off like an Indy car. Good thing I only had one beer.
We pulled up to a non-descript building and hustled into a big conference room. I guy wearin' a Hoover outfit was in front of a bunch of comm gear.
He looked up and said, "We're patched through."
I grabbed me a chair within belching range of the gear and propped my feet up.
A voice came out of the speakerphone. "Is Red Edward there."
"Roger, Prez. My account number is -", and I rattled off my ABA number and account number. "And the meter is runnin'. What's the hoorah?"
"You don't seem to be overly respectful of the office of the Presidency, Mr. Edward."
"Call me Red. Of course not. I'll trade any two Presidents and a Supreme Court Justice for a scientist the calibre of Paul Dirac or O.T. Avery any day. The only people who care about the Presidency are power mad politicians and people lookin' to get something out of the public."
The comm guy in the Hoover outfit looked like he was gonna have a stroke. He must've been Civil Service.
"I don't think I want to know what category you place me in. As to the problem, we have a human monster loose somewhere in France."
"I didn't think Rush went that far abroad." That got me a dry chuckle.
"I didn't realize your were a equal opportunity insulter."
"Only on my good days. Which this isn't. What kind of monster and why does it affect me? I'm just a P.I. with bad taste, not an animal tamer."
"This is something that should be found in The Weekly World News, not at the highest levels of international governments. Unfortunately, reality doesn't consult with me. We seem to have a fifty foot tall female human, shreaking rage and destroying anything that comes near. She speaks English with a American South accent, so the French government has asked us to abate the nuisance.
"Furthermore, we have received a private message from the Kingdom of Pinwheel also asking us to abate the nusiance. Their reason has been very guarded, but they think that the monster may come and attack the Kingdom as well. Very high levels have requested that you be put on the case. Oddly enough, France is agreeable as well."
"Now, obviously ya'll haven't been sittin' on your hands, waitin' for me. What have you done so far?"
"Well, Red, we can't use any of the more exotic branches of the government due to, ahem, logistics difficulties."
"You mean you don't think you can cover up their presence in France."
"That's one way of looking at it. We can't use conventional troops without causing an even bigger panic than there is now."
"And the MIB said it's not their baliwick, The Black Helicopter boys said they don't work in France per agreement, The Delta Force said they don't get involved with civilians, and the Seals said that is was inland, so not their job." I chuckled. "I guess that leaves the J-Men. What was their excuse?"
"Red. how do you know all this? I thought we kept the lid on pretty well."
"Prez, I've dealt with all these boys sometime in the past. Bureaucracies never change."
"Hmmm. The J-Men didn't dodge, they sent in the Caped Madman."
"So why do you still need me? You've already got one madman on the loose."
"The Caped Madman tried to subdue her with physical force. He's in Walter Reed with two broken arms and two broken legs, and in traction as well."
"Alright, I'll go over there and see what I can do. As if I have a choice. I expect to get help from the government on this case. I'll need you kick the Foggy Bottom Idiots to get me diplomatic immunity, a couple of pouches and transportation. I'll also need some assistance over there as well, so let me call some people and invite them to the party. One from France, one from Pinwheel, and one from here. That way, everybody's got a representative. I'll make a call to each, then pass on the names.
"And don't think I don't know why you called me in. If this doesn't work, you want a fall guy to blame it on. Somebody expendable. Somebody that won't make the administration look bad. That's why France agreed to me. Sarky wanted the same deniability.
"Oh, yeah. I'll need a baby football to get ahold of you if necessary. I might need some air support before this thing is over. And only you can call it in."
"I can't just call in an air strike."
"Naw, but we can talk it over with Sarky after I've done my inspection. By the way, has anybody got a name for our Nuisance? She speaks English, after all."
"She calls herself THE SNACKER OF NATIONS."
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