I started to reply to this topic immediately after Dr. Drib posted it ... then decided to sit back a bit to see what others had to say. (Yes, it was a bit cowardly of me.)
Here's what I originally wrote -- and which I still think is pertinent, even after reading everyone else's posts:
Quote:
I'll give you this woman's perspective. Given that most marriages have a presumption of sexual exclusivity, it's cheating if you turn to someone other than your committed partner for pleasure/pleasuring. This would include actual intercourse, any form of oral/manual sex, including mutual masturbation, and even phone sex.
I think it's dangerous -- but not necessarily cheating -- to turn to another person for emotional intimacy even if sex is not a part of the relationship.
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I like much that I've read in the discussion so far. Slayda brings up the " 'til death do you part" phrase from the Christian marriage ceremonies. I'd point out that they also tend to include "forsaking all others" or similar words.
For those couples who haven't actually talked about their expectations, I would bet that there is an assumption that both hold the same values -- and this assumption can lead to problems. When husband and wife do not come from similar cultural or religious roots, then each may have a different perspective and set of expectations. When these aren't discussed -- preferably before marriage -- they can set traps for the relationship. This is why, in many Christian churches, a couple must attend counseling or an engagement workshop before they can schedule the wedding ceremony. And, I think that this is one reason why the majority of religions/faiths strongly encourage young people to look within the community instead of outside for a life partner.
Several people have pointed out that "cheating" is best defined from the partner's expectation. I find this a very good point. I have tried to help my children understand that there's a very big difference between "having a wife" and "being a husband". In a truly successful marriage, each partner assumes the responsibility of caring for the other. If either one diverts too much of that energy into taking care of her-or himself, then the dynamic is off balance and problems are likely to develop. A wife (since I'm female, I'll speak from this point) must take care of her husband (emotionally, physically, sexually, etc.) and must TRUST that he's taking care of her. If she doesn't trust him to and holds back to protect herself, then the relationship suffers. Cheating can be a demonstration that the partner is not trustworthy. And, in this context, cheating can occur when the spouse is taking care of someone else to the detriment of the partner -- or turning to someone else for care that should come from the partner.