I'm a Linux user, so the desktop really isn't an option, and the damn thing refused to login *anywhere* for whatever reason, so I set it back to factory defaults, bypassed WiFi entirely following the instructions I found here:
https://www.linux-magazine.com/Onlin...Kobo-E-Readers
...and voila, the machine is mine. Groovy =) I was afraid I was going to have to send it back.