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Old 03-24-2009, 03:22 AM   #5
erayd doesn't littererayd doesn't litter
Posts: 128
Karma: 146
Join Date: Apr 2008
Device: Sony PRS-650
Just finished it - that's definitely a real page-turner, I thought it was great . Thank you very much for being willing to post it here (and for spamming slashdot with it ).

A few points I thought could use a little more polish:
  • A few of the location descriptions aren't very detailed - you explain all about the people, but sometimes at the expense of the scenery, which meant I had to occasionally revise my internal pictures to take into account new facts.
  • It needs a final going-over by a grammar editor - there is the occasional spot where you have a missing word, or an incorrect word (e.g. I'm instead of I've).
  • Eddie, Teddy & Susie get left hanging, particularly Teddy. I'm assuming they are who the postcard went to, but that plot thread feels a little unresolved for me.
All minor nitpicking though really - I think you did an outstanding job on that story, and I'm impressed. I've never come across an author before who could get the tech details right without them dominating the book - either the book is all tech and no plot, or it has a great plot and the tech doesn't make sense. You've successfully avoided both these pitfalls and got the balance perfect - enough tech to be interesting, but still with a great plot and integrated in such a way that it won't turn non-techies away.

I thought the plot was particularly engaging - every time I thought I finally had a handle on what was going on, something would happen that changed all my predictions about how the book would end. This is a story that would have Xochitl completely hooked until the very last page!

I know you don't want to be paid for it at this point, but let me know when you get something organised - I'll like to contribute something, and you deserve to be compensated for your work.

Overall it was thoroughly enjoyable, and I'd definitely recommend it - thanks!

Edit: Oh and I think you need to rewrite your summary - it doesn't do the story justice, and contains jargon that may unnecessarily turn away less-technical readers.

Last edited by erayd; 03-24-2009 at 03:32 AM.
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