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Originally Posted by MGlitch
It’s actually a textbook example of both. You’re saying if you let what someone else says get to you it is your fault for letting it get to you. Literally victim blaming. You wouldn’t tell a person who got beaten with sticks and stones “oh it only hurts if you let it” the same applies here. You can’t control this beyond a one off encounter, and one off encounters are never what the phrase is used against. It’s when the abuse is repeated and or on a medium to large scale.
And to contort this into not living in an echo chamber and not wanting to hear certain things is classic gaslighting.
We’re not talking about people with differing opinions on politics. We’re talking about one or more people mocking and belittling another person. They are very entitled to not have that kind of thing happen.
And before you say something like “I went through it and turned out fine” if you went through suffering and are okay with others going through the same because you turned out fine, you did not in fact turn out fine.
Note I’m using the general you, not specifically referring to any one person.
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That sir is a crock.
I've been teaching kids' karate for over 20 years. About a third of my students take karate because they have been picked on at school. My job is to teach them two things, first when someone picks on you, it's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on them. Second, how not to be picked on. One has to do both. It takes time to rebuild a kid's self confidence after they have been picked on, it takes a lot of positive reinforcement.
Bullies pick on kids they think are easy victims. It's part of my job to teach them not to be easy victims. If you don't do that, then you are just setting them up to be picked on again, and again, and again. That doesn't mean it's "their fault". It's the fault of the bully, but that doesn't solve the problem. Talking about blame the victim doesn't solve the problem, i.e. getting the kid in a place where he or she won't keep getting picked on. It just a bit like hash tagging on twitter, it just doesn't solve a thing.
There have been a lot of studies on bullies and bullying. Bullies look for people who won't defend themselves, who have no confidence. They look for kids who will react in a certain way, a way that makes the bully feel that he or she has a power over them.
Most bullies have issues, but that's someone else's problem unless that kid is in my class. Then it's my job to teach them that bullying other kids is bad, why it's bad.
One of the major things we do in karate is set up an environment where bullying is not ok and where the kids are taught to stick up for their friends. The older kids are taught to be inclusive (younger kids just are naturally inclusive). That's why a lot of kids stick, because it's the first time in their lives other kids are telling them "hey, good job". But, you can't stay in the bubble all the time. That's where the other part comes in to play.
I've seen a lot of kids come through and over time, a lot of kids develop enough self confidence to defend themselves and to get bullies to leave them alone. It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding.
I also teach some self defense seminars. Contrary to popular belief, 90 percent of self defense is not getting in the situation. Be proactive. Pay attention to your surroundings. Don't go to the wrong bars. Don't go into that dark parking lot alone. Don't walk down an empty street in a bad section of town at night. Don't be the teenager in the slasher movie. No it's not your fault is something bad happens, but that's cold comfort. It's much better not to be in the situation. This isn't a hard concept. So, no it's not blaming the victim.
In these situations, chanting the "blame the victim" mantra isn't just wrong, it gets people hurt.