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VR and I walked out into the parking lot. "Alright, VR, what's the problem. You run out of cheap dog food?"
I looked down. "And if you pee on me again, I'll see you caged in a kennel with 50 cats for a week."
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Wanna bet?"
VR walked a bit in silence.
"Her Majesty has lost something of great personal value."
"Gentlemen don't talk about such things. Besides, it wasn't me."
"Not that, you dirty-minded redneck! She has lost her special socks."
"Let me get this straight. You want me to drop a live kidnapping case to find a pair of socks? That's steep, even for you, VR."
VR started to growl, then got control of his temper. "These aren't just any socks. They're the Queen's own personal talking socks, Hugo and Lefty."
The things you see when you haven't got your gun....
"Ok, how did they disappear? Did they walk off, get packed in somebodies bag, or win an all-expense paid trip?"
"Red, you're not taking this seriously!"
"D-mned right VR. You haven't mentioned money yet. I'll do kidnapping pro bono, but governments pay full freight. What am I offered?"
"Does than mean you'll get to work on it?"
"No, it means I'll talk about it. The kidnapping has priority. Period. DesertGrandma is a nice person and I'm gonna get her husband back. Then I'll worry about missing socks. If the money's good. If you want me to be workin' in the back of my head along the way, tell me the price, and give me what info you have. I'm not goin' to Pinwheel during Spring Training to rummage around in the Queen's sock drawer without a real good reason."
VR looked like he was gonna have a hissy fit. Served him right, too. Pee on my shoe, will he.
Through clenched teeth, he said "Same terms as last time, Redneck."
"Now that wasn't too hard, VR. Now tell me the skinny on how they disappeared."
"One of these days, I'm going to do more than pee on your shoe."
"One of these days you'll realize I don't work for you, and you'll treat me like a professional. Then we'll be past these puppy dominance games. Now tell."
"We know they went to America. We don't know how. They left a note saying they were going to see the West and drop by and see you, as well. They said they had a pen pal here that would show them around."
"Any leads on the Pen Pal?"
"We think it was a regular on the MobileRead web site. They liked to hang out there occasionally. But exactly who, we don't know."
"Ok. Let me do some cross-checking in my spare time until this kidnapping gets resolved. Then I'll give full priority. If the Queen has a problem with this, she can call me direct and complain. She had my number."
VR looked nonplussed. "If she has your number, why did she put me on the case?"
" 'Cause you're a good dog, and you want to serve Her Majesty. She respects that and wanted you to have an opportunity to serve Her. Now I gotta get, and go get some more answer out of DG. See ya later."
I got in my car and left for DesertGrandma's.
Men In Black, talking dogs and socks, grannies with shotguns...Sam Spade would need a new pair of drawers by now and three pints of bourbon. I wonder what DG has in the liquor cabinet. Hmm....
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