My gosh.
It really shouldn't be this hard to get things working. Had I known this I'd have just gotten a normal (non touch) laptop. Hope the developers see this and fix it - I know this is an open source app and most people work on this in their free time, but most Windows laptops are soon going to have touchscreens, and I'm sure this problem will soon be replicated somewhere else.
That being said, thanks for the help, I'll try your suggestions and see if it works!