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Dear People of Sweden,
What heinous crime have we committed towards your country? What unspeakable atrocities have we perpetrated on you? What devastating affront did we give you? Have we offended you beyond the tolerance of man? Did we ever attempt to destroy your country? Did we infest your land with a plague beyond biblical proportions? Did we raise the EU against your meatballs? Did we ever attempt to block you from Eurovision? Did we not value your contributions to cinema? Did we not adopt many words of your language into our own?
So why, oh why, did you send us your "famous furniture store"? Have you no understanding of what it does to this country, to its people, its moral fibre, its families? Is it just that you are getting kick-backs from divorce lawyers? Do you truly want to destroy the environment by the huge traffic queues that build up, and the repeated visits to every store in the country to track down that vital missing shelf? And why have you not studied they housing of the UK? Do you not know that straight, or flat, or perpendicular are concepts so alien to UK housing as to virtually illegal? Can you not realise that this means your flat pack furniture never fits? And have you never realised the love-hatred the UK has with Europe? Has no-one even hinted to you that this means normal European sizes just don't fit over here?
Do you really think the people of the UK are rats? Is it really fair to disguise a human scale lab rat maze as a shop? Is it not even conceivable to you that the experience of wandering round an endless, windowless maze of dis-orientating displays might contravene various EU and UN human rights? And if you must make us self collect, why do you first attempt to hide the location of the items, and then make sure there are never the right trolleys? And is the insistence of having empty stock shelves, but with the desired products available, wrapped in plastic, out of our reach with no assistants available, some attempt to make us all go mad? Are you in the pay of the UK Psychiatrists' Association? Or is it, perhaps, the pharmaceutical companies that produce drugs to lower blood pressure?
Please, for the sake of continued cordial relations, and our national survival, please take back all your furniture stores. Or do you want us to send you Morris Dancers, Cricket and the Alcopop Happy Hour?
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