Oh Honey, that sounds just awful! It's a miracle that you are alive, and whether you like it or not, I'm saying a prayer of thanks that you survived, because you mean so much to me.
You missed your calling. You should have been a Hollywood stunt woman.
In that whole menagerie of yours, by any chance do you have a helper monkey to bring you snacks and pain meds?
And I remember when you cleaned out your basement. I'm sure you have a couple more phones lying around down there to match the one you broke.
FEEL BETTER SOON! 