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Drop 5, 6 and the last paragraph.
You went from whiny to uppity.
If you want to state you have been a prime member for years, put it at the beginning.
Example,
Greetings Mr. Bezos,
I have been a prime member for years and recently I encountered the following problems with order #.
List the problems and how you would like it resolved.
Nothing more and no personal comments about the delivery people or anything else.
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