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Ok you said you proofread it, did you just proofread for misspelled and wrong words? If so you are probably good there.
Now on editing, don't think of it as your book. Think of it as a book someone else wrote and you have to correct. That is the big key.
I will give you my first thoughts. Oh if Lance is dead in the first paragraph, how is this his story?
Then you just start talking about someone else.
Last line of I think your first or second paragraph.
"She doesn't want to know the story."
First line of the next paragraph, you start talking about something completely different.
The next couple of paragraphs were the same way so I gave up.
My thought was how does this all relate?
It looked like you were trying to introduce all the characters but went about it like it was supposed to be read as a story. If that was your goal, change from prologue to cast of characters and add spaces between the paragraphs.
Sorry, I had a good English teacher who took every one of my papers apart until they were completely understandable.
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