[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Blossom

Yes we pay directly to Ameren. We live on the second floor of an apartment complex. It's a tiny apartment. Two rooms with one small bathroom and a utility room/closet. The only closet in the place. The kitchen and living room are separated by a half wall. We made the living room into the bedroom because the back room has no air.

Your bill is confusing, but, crap, Blossom, you are paying more than 4x what we're paying. Per KWH. No matter how you do the math. Even more. I just don't understand how the HELL they can charge that, for such a cozy apartment.

Mom is a puzzle. She is super bossy and very unreasonable. She lives in a world normal people do not and she loves to lay guilt trips on people. She loves materials things above all else. Something I'll never understand. She's very wasteful. Not good with money wouldn't know what a budget is.

Well...somebody allowed her to be that way in her life. Her parents, her husband (?), or, something. I mean, if you go through life not knowing how to budget, only a few possible scenarios, there. Either you have more than you need to accommodate cavalier spending, or you go bankrupt. Y'know?

Vis-a-vis guilt: something I had to learn the hard way, over the years--you know that old saying, that nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission? Ditto guilt. Guilting you only works if you give in to it. If you feel guilty, and then take actions that give her a positive reward, why would she stop? Sort of like training a pet. If bad behavior gets her what she wants, she'll keep doing it. (I know you already know this, but I lived this scenario, too. Not quite as whacky as your Mom sounds, but...the dead-handing thing was the final straw for me. I just finally told her--"fine. If that's how it's going to be, don't give me ANYTHING else. Now, or after you pass on. I don't want it if you're going to constantly tell me what to do with it, what I may do with it, what I can't, how I should use it, etc. That's not a gift. That's a contract with too many conditional clauses."

She designates anything she gives. She gets very upset if you go against her wishes. She even tries to tell us what to do with our own things and money. Hubby is fed up and when he gets fed up with her he takes it out on me. She has meltdowns, He has meltdowns. They are so similar when it comes to handling stress. They make mountains out of a molehills. Sometimes I feel I'm the only sane one in this mess. I'm counting the days I can leave this state and go far away from it all.

The really crap part is how it's taken out on YOU. This goes back to the guilt, appeasement, and so forth. Stop listening to both of them.

Seriously. Yes, I know. Spouse, mother, insanely hard. I did something similar, about another fam member. I simply refused to talk about it. If X and Y got into some pissing match, and somehow, someway, put me in the middle, I'd tell X, the SECOND that the Y topic came up, "I'm not discussing this any longer. If you and Y have issues, talk about it together, and leave me out of it. I'm not the family mediator, and I'm sick of being stuck in the middle because you two don't have the guts to work it out face-to-face."

If they persisted, I'd say "I'm hanging up now, I love you, but I told you, not talking about this." Then I'd hang up. (FWIW: I think the practice of hanging up on people in a fit of pique is the most childish thing, EVER. It's unconscionably rude. But desperate times, desperate measures, and I would ALWAYS say, upfront, "if you start talking about this, I'm getting off the phone right away." Basically--I set ground rules for conversation.

As soon as it remotely started to come up, no matter how obliquely, I'd tell them AGAIN, and then the third time, I'd hang up (with the "I love you but..." speech, then, click. However, pet training requires that you do those three warnings in INSTANT proximity to the offense, and keep doing it until they understand you mean it.

(No kidding--think of it as training the puppy. Same exact thing. And yes: it works.)

If they do it face-to-face, in your home, leave the room. Yes, with spouses, it's hard, but I'll just leave the room, run a tub, and go soak in it. (I don't really love soaking in tubs, but...back to that desperate thing..). If they do it in public, leave. Get in your car and drive home. If you're trapped, agreed, that's not a wonderful solution, but...

You GOTTA put your foot down. And with bipolars, it's crucial. They'll push you and push you and push you, like children, until they find your limit. You need to make that limit line early-before you get upset. I happen to have two bipolars that have married into my family and my husband's BIL's family (so, one married to my side, one to his...), so we see an awful lot of that.

I strongly recommend the loving-but-firm approach. It's worked for me and I hope it will work for you. I see you here, with this sort of emotional duress, often enough to know that this must be very debilitating for you. Try the Puppy Approach. (That's our code for it, in the fam).

Good luck. Oh, and yeah--you need to call your State's Corporation Commission, (or the utilities commission, whoever oversees power and electric) and find out if you are being hosed. Those rates are CRAZY.

Hitch