Quote:
Originally Posted by Hitch
Oh, I'd love to say it was a one-off thing, but the saga of being the eldest is a pretty well-known song. I am, many of my entrepreneurial friends are; there is simply something about being the eldest that ends up (generally--not always, of course) making you "the responsible one," and inevitably the one that gets screwed over, in favor of the baby of the family. It almost drove me, and my sister (younger than I, but older than him) berserk, dealing with my mother's relative insanity about not seeing my brother's flaws, or being unwilling to admit that they existed. {shrug}.
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I often think I lucked out, since I'm an only child. (People with siblings ask "Is it better?", and all I can say is "How should I know? I have no experience with siblings to make comparisons.")
My SO is the middle child of three, with a (late) older brother and a younger brother. The family dynamics were dysfunctional. She was dad's favorite child. Her younger brother was mom's favorite. Older brother was odd man out, with problems compounded by dad having expectations of him he
couldn't meet. (Dad
should have known better than to
have those expectations.)
My SO's dad died when she was a teenager. From her stories, her dad was someone I'd have enjoyed meeting and talking to. But I told her bluntly, "He was a wonderful father for you. He was the
wrong father for your brother Bill.", and she had to agree.
Bill died a few years back during Hurricane Sandy. We went down to NC where he was living to visit him in the hospital where he was in intensive care. He never came out. He died of complications of several serious health issues, made worse by the fact that he had never properly cared for himself. Had he done so, he might still be with us.
He thought for a long time he would not outlive his father (and considered himself in part responsible for the heart attack that killed his dad.)
The late psychiatrist Eric Berne identified a common psychological game called "Look how hard I was trying!" The person playing the game has fantasies of others all being properly abashed at not having treated the player better when the full extent of his efforts is revealed. The "hard" version of the game has the player dying, with fantasies of "Won't they be sorry they didn't all treat me better after I'm dead?"
Bill appeared to be playing that game, and had he been convenient, I'd have dragged him aside and said "I know what game you're playing. Stop! They
won't be sorry after you're gone. They'll curse your name and pee on your grave because you ran out on your family and friends." He wasn't convenient, and the opportunity didn't arise. It might not have done any good if it had, but would have been worth the attempt.
______
Dennis