I did update etc.
OK. To be complete, I did install the updates, re: downloading the entire MSI file and installing. But for whatever reason it wasn't overwriting the old config files. Or at least that's how I understand it. I even tried reinstalling the old version I had (2.56 or something) and still got the same error.
As I said, I'm a total newb. It's very possible I did something wrong. I've been using Calibre for a few years now and regularly install the updates. This time I waited as it was awhile before I needed to use it. Then, bam, I installed 2.72 and nothing worked (though i thought the glo initially did).
Anyhow, It's very very likely whatever fault happened i did it. The fix I outlined was total brute force, but it worked. Calibre is amazing. I will regularly install any updates from now on so I don't miss something crucial.
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