Quote:
Originally Posted by LazyScot
Montsnmags Enterprises
Alcohol and Hallucinogens
Subscriptions Department
Dear Entity,
I wish to cancel my subscription to your "services" with immediate effect.
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Dear Slur or Madman,
Thank-you for your recent feedback on one of the many fine products at Montsnmags Enterprises. At Montsnmags Enterprises Alcohol and Hallucinations Division, we always welcome contact from our many customers and flying giraffe in a tutu. (HA HA HA just our little joke there)
Firstly, let me just point out that we do not need to cancel your subscription as there are no renewal options applicable. As such, the term of your subscription is infinite, or at the heat-death of this universe, whichever comes first.
Secondly, please note that the intra-cranial teleportation process is what lets us provide you with this subscription at OUR
LOW, LOW RATES (speaking of which, can you please confirm that the growth hormone also delivered with the ZC has regrown the testicles our agent removed from your person with a melon-baller?)
Thirdly, please note that the delivery method and the ZC itself have
ABSOLUTELY NO SIDE-EFFECTS. All physiological and psychological manifestations are part of the
MANY BENEFITS your ZC subscription provides.
Forthly, as you know, GB pounds are an archaic measure of price, as are stones, however the latter, ironically, are effectively how you pay us, as previously mentioned. This was made clear on the zorange-coloured contract you signed in tangerurple asp-blood with the living phasmid-pen.
However, we here at Montsnmags Enterprises always aim to keep our customers happy through whatever means necessary. As such we have arranged a squadron of highly-trained Disco Dancing Pirate Ninja Squirrels from the Montsnmags Enterprises Solid Gold Dancer Planetary Invasion Division to act as super-special VIP couriers to deliver a complementary flagon of ZC direct to your door within the next 32.4 seconds. All our employees are fully trained in all methods of ZC physiological delivery, and you can rest assured that all of the squirrels swarming all over your body while shaking their groove-thangs to the wildly-inoffensive beat of Michael Jackson's
Blame It On The Boogie will act with the utmost delicacy in their handling, placement, insertion and operation of the marine-grade stainless steel, super-high-pressure, urethral catheterisation injection assembly (please be sure to wear the provided protective goggles - they will assist in the eyeball recovery process).
Here at Montsnmags Enterprises, we appreciate that you have a wide selection of choices available to you in the Alcohol and Hallucinogens market segment, and we are glad that you have subscribed to ours rather than one of our many subsidiary companies (it helps with the paperwork). We thank-you for your continued custom, and reassure you in the
strongest possible terms that we have high hopes and expectations that you will
not feel the necessity to bring forward any further complaints. Or else.
Yours in a flying giraffe suit,
Iain William Killyuall
Manager - Complaints Area
Montsnmags Enterprises