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I don't disagree that the dialogue, etc., is entirely up to the writer/creator. However, when he asks for assistance in punctuation, I'd assume that he wants it to be correct.
Gregg: if the sentence stays in the word sequence that you first typed--the commas are certainly better than not. The bigger problem is, the sentence is clunky as hell, and the semi-colons seek to put the breaks in to help it along. So, yes; if you leave it as-is, then the commas are necessary. It's even worse (sorry) without them.
@JwOKC and @pendragginp, the problem is, encountering a lot of sentences like this will turn those readers off who DO care about those things. If I were to read a book--or start to read one--that had a lot of sentences like that, either with or without the commas, it would make me either put the book down or not buy it. I'm as happy as the next guy to give the author creative license, but poorly-constructed sentences, paragraphs, etc., get in the way of a reader's enjoyment of a story.
Many writers have the power to craft stories that so enthrall the reader that they don't see the sentences, flaws, et al. That's a wonderful thing. But many more writers don't have that power. The entire point of good grammar is for it to be INVISIBLE, and the same thing is true in fiction--that it simply disappears, not visible to the reader. Visible grammar errors are definitely the enemy of the reading public.
Just my $.02. Obviously, I'm in the minority.
Hitch
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