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Old 11-13-2015, 08:41 PM   #10
Hitch
Bookmaker & Cat Slave
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This:

Quote:
Then one day riding the train, Lily meets a boxer pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily thinks Edmund might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking. Before long she’s falling for him.
...makes NO sense to me. Sorry to always be kibbitzing, but someone who KNOWS that they have delusions, isn't delusional. Unless you have this entire backstory set up, where Lily's been a medicated schizophrenic, and knows that she has a mental illness, this dog, as they say in the south, doesn't hunt.

If Lily knows she's delusional, you either have more backstory or no story. Edmund can't help Lily straighten out her fantasies, unless he's a psychiatrist. If the other guy is fueling her delusions, then she's more likely to stay delusional. Having Lily want him, due to hunkiness, is fine. Having a plotline where he helps straighten out her delusions is also fine (if fantastical). But having a plotline where she wants to be with this guy, to help straighten out her delusions...that doesn't work.

As I said, if she knows she has delusions, your plot-line with Jeremy doesn't make sense--how could he "feed" her delusions? Because if she knows she has them, then she's likely medicated, and NOT having them. It's cake and having it too-ish-ness. Like cognitive dissonance; having two ideas that are directly opposite in your head at the same time.

If that's your plotline, then take it out of the query letter, and only talk about how much she wants the new guy.

Good luck.

Hitch
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