If people are asking questions answered in the first post, rather than locking the thread (a moderator action) one can simply stop reading new posts (a personal, user action).
The thread will remain open -- it is far more useful that way, and it gives people the opportunity to say things that
are actually constructive.
I'll offer this much though:
Moderator Notice
Henceforth, I will ruthlessly delete any snark, trivia, or patently useless comments or suggestions.
This will occur at my sole discretion.