Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw
I'd still be inclined to experiment with variations. "Annie grows increasingly alarmed as the baby's health fades, but can she ..." or "The baby's health fades and Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she ...". If you see what I mean. It's not that the sentence is wrong, it's just the way that it's put together that make its awkward.
Nah, too short. ... Just kidding! ... Sort of.
I like it ... but: As Catlady observed with my abbreviation attempts, it does sound a little remote, less personal. Also, that second paragraph is a tad clichéd (always a risk when striving for short). However it does dispel the possible romance feel that some of the previous ones suggested. I'm tempted to suggest that you need to find a compromise between the two.
As soon as we stop hassling him with quibbles about the blurb.  |
Thanks G.M. I tried your sentences. They seemed to throw the rhythm off a bit.