Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg Bell
[...]I've addressed the concerns I had about it and hopefully I haven't dampened any of its magic. This is what I came up with:
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe dismisses her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she be drawn into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s world of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
And here is one more version with three small tweaks. (I know that "shrugs off" is weaker than "dismisses" but it's stronger than "unconcerned" and I thought it looked better than "dismisses.")
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become entrapped into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
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I don't mind "shruggs off", but I don't much like "become entrapped". In both cases I find "... into what she's discovering is Monroe's ..." is a little awkward. I think it should be just: "into Monroe's ...".