Quote:
Originally Posted by Catlady
Except that this latest version doesn't indicate that no one else is taking the baby's illness seriously. The initial versions gave me a clearer idea that the baby was fussing and crying and everyone was just telling Annie don't worry, he's fine. In this one, we're getting the fact that the baby IS sick, and Annie wants to do ... something, for some unknown reason. If you read this in isolation from all that's gone before, you don't know if the baby's at home, in a hospital, getting medical attention of some sort or not. Here Annie just wants to "help," which is nebulous--it could mean she wants to interfere with a legitimate medical treatment.
Earlier versions set it up more as Annie gradually becoming more and more concerned despite assurances from her employer--so first she has the hurdle of convincing herself, then she'll have the hurdle of convincing others. I would think the first hurdle would be a huge one. This latest blurb, she--and the potential reader--know immediately that the baby is sick so you lose the whole element of doubt.
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Catlady, I'm liking your version the best.
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
It has a magic about it. An intrigue. The first paragraph is light and breezy, the calm before the storm. I think the idea of 'hit them with a hook right away' is over-rated. If people see huge blocks of text they might move on, but two short sentences isn't going to scare anybody and people expect a little "scene" setting anyway. (like in the Grisham blurb in post #88) They want to know
who is doing what.
Okay, I had issues with Monroe just be being "unconcerned." To me that said Annie could just be being super-sensitive and she should chill. The baby's fine.
Also it did not set up an unequivocal disagreement between Annie and Monroe as to the state of the baby's health. Hence the 'can Annie convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's?' seemed a little weak. Like we know that Annie's word is that the baby is dangerously ill but Monroe's word is just that he's unconcerned about the state of the baby's health.
And I thought there was no logical progression between the two last lines and that the transition was sudden. 'Can she convince anybody...? Or will she be entrapped in the web of lies, deception and ...' I'm like, What web of lies, deception etc. Monroe was just "unconcerned." This is just a young girl who's super-sensitive. Where's this web of lies...?
Now, this is my story so I know it (hopefully) better than Catlady or anybody else. So I think just knowing the little Catlady (and everybody else too) knew of the story--just from the little I've posted here in the forum--that her version of the blurb is brilliant. And as I said it has a magic about it.
I've addressed the concerns I had about it and hopefully I haven't dampened any of its magic. This is what I came up with:
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe dismisses her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she be drawn into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s world of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?
And here is one more version with three small tweaks. (I know that "shrugs off" is weaker than "dismisses" but it's stronger than "unconcerned" and I thought it looked better than "dismisses.")
Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.
But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become entrapped into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?