Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg Bell
Your version is definitely tight. But I found I had to backtrack to figure out what was going on a bit. The baby is sick and fading fast. I was like, What baby? Annie wants to help I was like, Who is Annie?
You eventually tell us but I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.
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What baby? As a reviewer I'd be guessing it's the one in the book title "Saving
Baby".
Who's Annie? I'd be guessing the person doing the saving in "
Saving Baby".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gregg Bell
No, you're supposed be wondering why isn't this billionaire caring for his baby when he's obviously ill?
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The offering was just an offering, trying something different. As a later post of mine suggested, you don't
have to use the baby as the opening hook. If you're supposed to be wondering why a billionaire isn't caring for his baby then maybe he should be the opening hook.
Take note of that longer blurb from
The Partner. The hook is in the second sentence, not the first, but it's still right up close to the top. It may be a longer blurb, but by the time you've read that second sentence you have reason to keep reading - and that's what we're looking for.
Please note that I was really only trying to practise what I had been describing. I do not feel that I am in any position to tell you what you should be doing/using - that is entirely your call.